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A Change in Plans

I’ve been telling this story for a while about how when I first started this journey my intention was to fix a relationship I had broken years ago for lots of reasons, none of which are relevant here. This spiritual path at that time was a means to an end for me. It was doing nothing more than serving a purpose. I was just using it to solve problems, and the relationship was simply one of those problems.

That has quite clearly changed over the last couple of years, in particular, as I’ve become very stable in my vision, in what I offer, and in what I do. I no longer need those external goals to become a reality in order for me to continue to move forward. I will do so anyway now, the goals became almost secondary. I do this for myself now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I lost the dream of that re-connection today. Things that I was sort of intuitively aware of became clear to me. It creates the end of a story and a chapter in my life which carries a bit of pain with it. But it also offers me the opportunity to move forward without feeling like I’m waiting for something to happen.

I just want to side-track here for a minute to point out the value of limited human perception. If I had known this was the outcome of this particular goal I wouldn’t be here. The value of me not “knowing everything” is obvious. I have a path and a purpose now thanks to a dream that would never materialize. I was allowed to hang onto the dream because it gave me what I needed to move forward on my own. That’s important to recognize. The limits of your own perception may also be benefiting you in ways you don’t realize. There is no victimization in that, there is no sense that I should have known or that I was tricked. The truth was revealed to me when I was ready to handle it and when it would no longer derail me. The same will be true for you in your own limited perceptions. You will not become aware of the truth until you are ready for it.

I want to share with you how I manage pain because I think that’s an important thing to talk about. The most important thing is being aware of the weeds. What are the weeds? Blame, shame, guilt, and stories are the weeds that we need to avoid. There is no blame. He is where is and that’s it. It’s got nothing to do with me. There is no guilt or shame because there was no wrongdoing or fault.

Could I make up a story about how he hurt me and all the things that happened along the way? Why couldn’t he just tell me so I didn’t have to figure it out this way? Sure, I can go down that path. What’s that going to do for me? How does that help?

There’s pain and the awareness of pain and then there’s what we do with the pain once we feel it. It’s okay to feel pain. It’s okay to acknowledge the pain. Don’t use it as a prop in a story about how people are hurting you, or use it as a weapon against yourself so that you can beat yourself up and create some self-sabotage. Those things are how we use the pain to either hurt ourselves more or allow ourselves to heal. Feeling pain is one thing, using it as a weapon against yourself and others is another.

If I’m going to allow myself to have a human moment, which I likely will have to at some point, I have to bring awareness to it so I don’t hurt myself more. I can write the journal entry and have the pity party for one, that’s absolutely fine, as long as I bring my awareness with me. That’s the key. I have to leave that story in the journal. I can’t take it with me. I can’t use it against myself. It has to stay where I leave it. It’s not true anyway, it’s just a story the human likes to make up about what’s going on. It’s a form of self-protection for the ego. The truth is there’s nothing to protect myself from. There’s no reason to protect myself from the pain. The pain isn’t a problem, it just is.

The other thing we need to avoid when we work through pain is the idea of attaching ourselves to the pain. We are not our pain. It is not really part of us. We feel pain because we think something different than our spirit does. The pain means something is out of alignment. The pain actually means I’m not seeing the full truth yet, because if I were, I wouldn’t feel pain. Pain is mostly a human thing created from incorrect perception. The more clarity we gain, the less pain we have to feel. Full clarity would defeat the purpose of being human, which is to learn and discover more of who we truly are under all the stuff. So, the pain just becomes a part of life, it’s only what we do with it that matters.

What am I doing with pain? Allowing it to be there without allowing it to take over. I’m not attaching a story, there is no blame, shame, or guilt, I’m not attaching it to my identity or who I am, I am simply moving through it and allowing it to be there until it’s ready to leave.

I process things through writing these days, so it’s likely you will have more to read this week about this little turn of events. The one thing I won’t do is engage in the story of what is, at least not here, because it serves no purpose and helps no one. I’ll save that for an epic journal that I’ll write later.

Will I be okay? There was never any doubt. All is still well, even when it doesn’t necessarily feel like it.

Love to all.

Laura

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