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A New Cycle Begins

When I went to bed last night I was excited because I understood that today was the first day of my new beginning. I’ve finally broken free of all the crazy crap that was happening in my life. I’ve shared a bunch about my first experience of that new cycle in my podcast and on social media over the last day or so.

Today has been very emotional. I made myself cry when I posted on social media earlier and now there is some fear popping up. There is some fear of the great “what if?”. What if it doesn’t work? What if I can’t do it? What if it doesn’t happen? What if…?

There is knowing the truth and then there is feeling the truth and being able to see the truth. Those things are all different. I know the cycle has changed. I know that things are different. I know that everything will be fine. I know that the little things that I’m afraid of right now don’t matter. Sometimes the problem is just getting the brain to play along while letting the old habits die.

I had an experience on the weekend that was the beginning of the new cycle. I recognize that. Yet, it’s still hard to allow myself to believe that the other parts are over too. This is the part I have to convince myself of. This is the part that I have to get my brain on board with.

There’s emotion here, as well, and it’s not all fear. Leaving something behind that I’ve been in for 25 years (?) is emotional. It’s weird. I shouldn’t be missing all the problems. When I talk about identifying with your problems or your pain, this is what I mean. We get attached to our problems and pain, and then when we try to let them go it’s hard because it’s emotional, it’s become part of us. That’s exactly what I’m experiencing. I’m letting go of something that I became because I took it on too deeply. That makes it harder. It creates almost a grieving process as those old bits of ourselves leave.

The way to handle the emotion is to replace it with gratitude. Thanks for the experience. Thanks for the lessons. Thanks for everything I learned in that cycle. Thank you for giving me the life I have now. The old cycle is done. The old habits of thought and feeling are no longer needed. They served their purpose. They protected me for years. I appreciate them immensely, but I can move on now. It’s time to move on. It’s time to fully allow this new cycle in.

The ego is doing its job, trying to protect me from pain, the pain of the unknown. The thing is, there is nothing to protect me from. The unknown isn’t painful, it’s just different. How do I know it’s not painful? It can’t be worse than anything I’ve been through in the last 25 years. There’s only one way to go honestly, and that’s up. That’s the direction I’m going in, up into new levels of happiness, success, freedom, and acceptance. I’m not creating from pain anymore. I’ve done that plenty. I’ve accepted my past. I’ve made peace with myself and the experiences in my life. That has allowed me to understand myself and create a vision for my life that didn’t have all that pain in it. That’s what I’m moving into now.

I’ve had to be almost an immovable object for a while. I couldn’t let anything throw me off. I couldn’t allow myself to react or respond because, in order to make the new cycle stick, I had to be very clear and firm about staying out of the old one. Let’s just say my stubborn streak came in handy. Now we’re here and instead of being stubborn about it, I’m finding I need to allow the emotion to flow a little bit first. It’s okay to do that. You can trust and feel at the same time. It’s okay to have a moment. Like I said the other day, it’s okay to have a moment, just don’t create a flood.

I’m going to allow the moment and trust that even if I indulge in my feelings for a few minutes, I won’t be derailed or thrown off course in any way. Balancing the human need to feel with the knowledge that the cycle is done is how I can move through this successfully. I don’t need to make up stories. I don’t need to let it overwhelm me. I can allow it to flow and move through, without attaching to it or making it more a part of me than it already was, it will release quickly and easily, with little effort from me.

Emotional awareness is part knowing what you’re feeling and part understanding what to do with what you feel. This is how we do both. The emotions aren’t a problem, so we don’t make them one. We allow them to simply be and do our best to keep them in check so that they can flow through freely without getting us stuck or causing us problems. It’s a delicate balance, that when applied in a healthy way, can keep us moving forward. When done badly it looks like squishing your feelings and that’s not what we’re aiming for.

I’m going to go create some balance for myself and allow this to flow through. I’m sure I’ll be checking in again tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Love to all.

Laura

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