Acknowledging and Controlling Our Own Emotions
I’m guilty of this at points in my life. Burying feelings because I thought nobody cared or wanted to know, or that people had enough on their plates without me adding my crap.
It’s partially an independent streak, it’s partially shame and not wanting to admit how I feel and partially trying not to burden other people with my stuff. I also hated it when people tried to “fix” me or the problem. I didn’t want help, I just wanted people to listen, but I never found that. I also had very strong emotions that overwhelmed the people around me. I learned to shut down because people didn’t like how I felt.
I started teaching computers because as I used to say, “computers don’t have feelings”. I didn’t have to feel to format a computer or install something for someone, or even teach someone how to do something. But then when I “awoke” and started down this path I had to allow the emotions. What I learned then was that emotions don’t have to be scary. They don’t have to be never-ending. They don’t have to be overwhelming. I can let them flow and not have it be a tidal wave. I don’t have to live in these huge extremes of tidal wave versus drought. There can be a middle ground that I can create.
The bottling up of my emotions created a pressure cooker of sorts. Eventually I would blow up. Whoever was in the way had better get out of the way because they weren’t going to be happy. If you were the poor sap that said the wrong thing at the wrong time you got whatever was going to come out. It wasn’t healthy. It caused depression for many years and I lost a few people that way too.
I used to tell people that I had a really long fuse but if you were the lucky one that found the end of that fuse you weren’t going to be happy and I wasn’t going to apologize for whatever came out of my mouth. It was my version of “don’t try me”. I was never nice, I can guarantee that. I had a mean, vindictive streak that would pop out when the bomb exploded. I just told people to duck. Don’t be on the wrong end of that stick. I could clear a room with one line. Nobody wanted to be around when that happened. Nobody.
I still have a really long fuse and a hot temper. I don’t have the vindictive, sarcastic streak that could clear a room though. I let that part go because that was just pain I hadn’t dealt with. I worked through that stuff so I don’t need to be like that anymore and I took responsibility for my words. That also helped a bunch. I don’t just let myself fly off the handle verbally anymore. A little control is a good thing.
Healing and awakening has meant the fuse actually got even longer in many respects. I still have triggers and things that set me off, though. While in many ways I’m more tolerant, I’m also more intolerant of certain things as well. There seems to be a balance that’s being created. It’s showing me what I’m willing to put up with and what I’m absolutely not willing to put up with. Instead of just random bombs going off with some poor unlucky human at the other end, it’s directed where it needs to go. Maybe in a way that’s better. I certainly still have work to do.
The spiritual goal is one of no response. So any triggering at all with outward expression means there is work to do. As long as the temper is there and I’m not fully in control of keeping it under wraps, there is more to be done. I will keep working on the idea of no response, neutrality, but done in a healthy way where things aren’t bottled up ready for the next explosion. I’m getting better but there is still work to be done.
Ultimately this is all about inner peace and maintaining that regardless of what’s happening in the outside world. That’s no easy task. We are taught to respond to the outside world. We are taught to try to tame the beast as it were, and keep a tight grip on what happens around us. I see the problem with that as I watch others around me. It doesn’t work and it can’t. We don’t have control over other people and things. We have to allow the world to happen around us and control only the inner weather. It’s hard to let go of that control, but it’s necessary to find the peace that most of us are looking for.
If this is something that’s on your list, keep working. You’re human. Be okay with that. Recognize when it doesn’t work and recognize when it does. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a process that takes time and healing. Just keep moving forward.
Love to all.
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