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Back to the Future, I Go!

I’ve gotten good at ignoring the stuff going on around me. It was a guided thing, it wasn’t ever anything I would have done on my own. My world was a mess. The financial stress was intense and I needed a rest. I got guided to just shut it down. Don’t pay attention to any of it. Let it all just do what it’s going to do. You’ll be fine.

I see the necessity of it from where I am now. There was no way for me to get okay within myself when I was putting so much outside of myself like that. The extreme was necessary. I couldn’t control myself and pay attention to it at the same time. There was no backing off slowly. It was all or nothing and nothing was the only way to go.

I needed to get okay within myself. I needed to find my power and understand how to use it a little bit. I needed to know that I didn’t have to let the outside world destroy my inner peace or my focus. The outside world doesn’t get to decide how I feel. I decide how I feel. I’ve broken habits of just automatically reacting to familiar scenarios. I give myself the option to actually think about what makes sense before allowing myself to respond to the things that go on around me.

Is it perfect? Hell, no. I’m still human for crying out loud! But I understand how it works now. Even if I don’t catch it beforehand, I can catch it after. I understand how I relate to my own experience and how my experience was affecting me and how I felt within that experience. I understand the unbreakable tie that is between human beings and the experiences they perceive. I understand how judgment and societal teachings play into how we react to what goes on around us. I understand how much of that is not true and how it does little more than creating pain for people.

Can I just say I feel better? I’m not stressed. I’m not worried. If either of those 2 things does show up I have the capacity to handle them without letting them overwhelm me. Stuff happens and I don’t freak out. I understand myself within my world at this point. I’ve gained control and power where there was none only just months ago.

Now we’re at a turning point. I’ve allowed my life to run on auto-pilot a little bit while I got okay within myself, but now I need to take control of the plane again. This means that I have to use what I’ve learned. Today, I start answering the ringing phone. I start dealing with the creditors and collectors once again. This time there is no fear. I’ve already taken on a couple this week as I was guided to do and it’s fine. Now I’ll take on the rest.

This time commitments get met. Bills get paid. My focus doesn’t waver. I don’t stress. I don’t worry. I just get to be and enjoy my life the same as I have been for the last little while. I have lots of writing and creating to do. I have kids that need taking care of. There are things that require my attention and I can attend to those without the stress of trying to figure out how to make things happen.

No, I’m not sitting on a pile of money. I’m simply acknowledging my ability to handle my own what is. I’m acknowledging what I’ve learned and the power I’ve gained. It’s magic, but it’s not. I haven’t spent the last year or 2 crying my eyes out. The truth is there have been very few tears. I healed myself, not through tears, but through simple acceptance of myself and my what is.

I have those bills. They are mine. I created them from pain, worry, fear, and a need to make others happy. That’s the story. The judgment behind them created the pain that I used to feel. The judgment of my bank account balance or lack of it created more pain. My bank account balance is also what is. It’s not too much. It’s not too little. It’s just numbers on a screen. It doesn’t matter. It’s only my judgment of it that causes a problem.

The other story is far more colorful. That’s the one I tell about how I didn’t have the money to pay and all the things that happened because of that. That’s the story I tell about the stress and the worry and fear. It’s really fun to listen to. It’s action-packed but it creates a cycle. It creates pain. It creates a problem that I can’t solve by myself.

So I stopped telling the story. I allowed myself to simply acknowledge the what is without judgment. This is just the way it is. I have these bills. I have this much money. Things will work out as they are meant to because that’s how the Universe plays. My ability to be okay or not within that is what determines the outcome. The Universe relies on my ability to be okay because that’s what opens the door for it to be able to end the cycle instead of just repeating the pattern for me.

If the pattern repeats it’s not because I didn’t have enough money, it’s because I descended back into fear and worry. I let the outside get back inside. That’s my fault. That’s not about the Universe gypping me or lying to me. That’s all about me and my ability to be okay within my what is.

My power is within me. It’s not out there. It’s not in my ability to control my bank account balance or pay my bills on time. My power is in my ability to be okay and stay focused on my work while I let the things I can’t control take care of themselves. I have immense control and none at the same time. It’s one of those things I’ve had to learn and understand.

The bank and the bills are outside of me. I don’t have control over those, at least not the way we’d like to think we should have control over them. I do have control over myself though. By taking control over myself I indirectly begin to take control of the things around me. But it all starts with me. It’s not out there. It never was.

I’m re-entering a familiar place and it’s what I do while I’m in it that matters now. The scenery hasn’t changed much. The furniture hasn’t moved. It’s me that has changed. I’m not who I was the last time I visited this place and it feels different now. It’s because I’m different that the outcome gets to be different. It’s got nothing to do with the furniture or the scenery. It’s all about me. That’s as it should be.

As I always do, I will share this journey with you. It’s going to be an interesting experience to revisit some of these things and try to clean up some of this mess that I created from pain years ago. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Love to all.

Laura

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