Becoming Who I Am
There were two things that inspired me to begin the process I’ve been working through for the last few years. The first was pain and heartbreak, which I’ve talked about in previous posts. The second was the book, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. Those two things gave me the power and the platform to begin letting go of all the pain and trauma that were stopping me from being who I was.
Step 1 in this process is making a very conscious, determined, active choice to move forward on your own terms. It starts with giving yourself permission to be who you are. It doesn’t happen overnight. That’s not a quick fix. It’s the point from which you begin the process of moving through the different areas of your life, resetting the boundaries, changing the scene and creating it the way you want it to be.
Where do you start in that process? In whatever area of life you feel most called to. For me I started with a relationship. I started with heartbreak. It created a domino effect that translated into me looking at my career, my role as a parent, my relationships with the people around me, and just deciding that I needed to allow all of these things to reflect who I was.
Step 2 was figuring out who the hell that was. It was buried. I had buried it. When we spend so many years not acknowledging who we are, we forget. I had forgotten who I was. I had forgotten what it felt like to be me. It’s a slow process of discovery to figure out who that person is again. It takes time. It goes through many versions and iterations because, in a way, I started trying on new costumes. I started consciously looking at what fit and what didn’t. I got okay with throwing it and trying something else. You watch me do that publicly in my business, but I do it privately too, in my head and in my life.
Step 3 is allowing the external change. I’ve been doing this for 6 years. My external world hasn’t changed much at all. That’s the next step for me. I’ve kept my cover in some ways because it was easier to do the internal shift from where I was than it was to flip my life upside down and then try to continue from there. It’s important to get to a place where you’re strong enough to handle what’s going to happen. It’s hard to do that when you’re in the middle of an internal shift or emotional chaos.
Figuring who you are, what you want, where you’re going, what that even looks like in the outside world, takes time. It’s been 6 years and you are still watching iterations of it. You’re still seeing me shift. It’s not done yet. In some ways, it’s a never-ending process. The reward is that I get to free myself from my own chains.
There are three critical pieces in this:
- Take responsibility for your own life by letting go of the blame first. We can’t do this from a place of blame because then we’re creating a life based on revenge. That’s just as not true as the life you’re already living. To create a life that is a true representation of who you are, you have to let go of the blame. You created your life based on where you were and how you felt at the time. Period. It doesn’t matter what other people were saying or doing. Own your part in your own life and then act on that.
- Do this for yourself. Don’t do it for your kids. Don’t do it for your partner. Don’t hook it on anybody. Do it for yourself because when the going gets tough, when the kids start acting up, when the partner leaves, your motivation remains. The desire to be authentic is the motivation but it’s not authentic if it’s about making other people happy. The authenticity comes from acknowledging the only person that matters in this process, ourselves. You have to hold to that.
- Don’t beat yourself up. It takes so much longer and it’s so much harder when we’re clubbing ourselves over the head at every step. Let yourself off the hook. You were where you were. You did what you did based on where you were at the time. That’s okay. It’s not perfect. It’s not what you’d do now and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s called growth.
Depending on what life has been like for you, you may find yourself in a dark night of the soul or dragging yourself through hell by the teeth as I heard it referred to by someone. The reason I say that is because this isn’t easy. I didn’t break myself, though. I didn’t tear myself apart, I simply moved the pieces around. I see this as a jigsaw puzzle, not necessarily a big tower moment, as we say in Tarot. Take the pieces of your life, figure out what’s most important to you and put those in the middle, then build around them. Put in the people and the career that will support those things. Create a stable foundation on which to build, and then build the frame that will contain what will be the authentic version of you.
It’s okay if this takes years. It’s okay if you never really finish in this lifetime. The lessons are invaluable. The journey is the point. This isn’t a race. It’s not about the destination. As you move along, be okay with where you are. Be okay with who you are. Don’t beat yourself up. Allow this to happen in whatever it’s going to. Trust your guidance. Trust yourself. It’s not easy, it’s worth it.
Sending big love to all going through this process.
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