Being Happy is Draining
When I work with any of you individually or you see me in person, you see a very bubbly, happy, “on” human being. I put a lot of energy into being that bubbly self and I don’t maintain it when not in the presence of people I don’t live with.
My normal state, when left to my own devices, is neutral. It’s 4 of Swords energy. I’m awake and alert, but my emotional level is 0. It’s a flatline. To me it’s neutral. I sit in a flatline state neither happy nor sad, good nor bad, I just am. There is no energy output one way or the other.
You’ll know if you’ve followed me for a while that I’ve now learned how to stay out of worry and fear too. Not only that, I don’t watch the news, I don’t go looking for things in my experience to be upset about, and so on. So now, I can flatline for days, literally, with not even so much as a little wiggle in my energy. That’s actually a problem even though my human self is quite comfortable with that idea.
The last couple of days the Universe, my intuition, has been asking me to get “excited” about things. That emotional energy helps with this concept of manifestation, but they literally want me to be that way all the time. It’s not just about manifesting, it’s everything. Cool. But I’m exhausted. I can’t maintain that for any length of time without needing weeks to recover. So I’ve done it for 2 days and now I need to go hide in a cave for about a month.
Turning my emotion on as a permanent state sounds exhausting to me. I can do all kinds of healing. I don’t mind any of the other stuff, even sitting on my hands and letting the proverbial house of cards fall, was easier than trying to turn on my emotional energy perpetually. It makes me tired just to think about it.
I’ve done depression. I know how to squish my emotional energy and I know what that is. I don’t do that. If it comes up I deal with it right away and it goes away right away. I don’t stay there. My neutral state now is more or less healthy from a purely psychological place, except for the fact that it’s probably not the ideal way to be or exist in life. It actually allows me to notice minor changes in my energy really quickly because my baseline is so flat, even the most minor of tweaks are apparent to me immediately.
I need to find a middle or some kind of balance that I can maintain. The idea of being “on” like that perpetually I don’t even like. I don’t even want to do it. That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? You don’t want to feel good? Not if it’s tiring. Not if it’s exhausting. Not if it’s draining. To me feeling good is draining.
I think I understand the analogy now. It’s an exercise program. When you first start a new program and you’re out of shape, you’re tired in 5 minutes. But as you keep doing it day after day and you get stronger, you don’t get tired as quickly, the program gets easier. That’s where I am. it’s a new exercise program and I’m out of shape. Not only that, but I don’t really want to exercise. So now I’m one of the many that give up the exercise program in a day or two because I don’t enjoy it and it makes me tired.
I recognize that my baseline is too low. I don’t consider it bad, just too low. It’s not enough for me to manifest or create anything really. I even have to come up energetically just to write this blog. That’s how neutral I am normally. The minute I leave my work and I drop back to my neutral state, I go back to not really being able to create anything. There’s no momentum in my energy anymore, it’s completely flat.
At one point I was being encouraged to work almost all the time, but it was because I don’t maintain the energy I take on to do this. I drop it once I walk away. I don’t want to have to work all the time, but I recognize the need to maintain the energy, even though it’s exhausting and I’m not used to doing it.
Who knew that being happy would be tiring? But it is because it’s something I’ve never maintained or tried to do. Don’t get me wrong I’m not unhappy. I just don’t maintain the energy of that feeling all the time. I never have. Now that I’m sitting here writing about it and thinking about it, I think maybe it was a survival skill.
Life always gave me lots of reasons to be unhappy, whether it was the stress of money, being bullied as a kid, or whatever was going on, I had many reasons to be upset. It was less of a drop to go from sort of a neutral state to unhappy than it was to go from being happy to miserable. It didn’t hurt as much if I wasn’t as happy as I could or should have been. It wasn’t as much of a shock. Is it possible I’m still protecting myself that way? It’s quite likely, actually.
Is my body showing me tired as a way of protecting me? Yep. It very well could be.
One of the ways I know energy is moving is that I get extremely tired in seconds. I can go from fine to needing a nap in a blink. I’ve learned that I actually need to try to fight through that because it’s just the energy moving around and I need to let it do it. What if this feeling today is exactly that?
What if I just need to fight through it a little bit more?
Now you know why I write this stuff. I gain a lot of clarity through writing. When I can share it without a whole lot of drama, blame, shame, or guilt, I write it here on the blog so that you can see what this is like for me. I didn’t know I was going to write the last half of this blog. I didn’t understand those things until I wrote them just now.
So now I can fix it because I gave myself a way forward through writing.
I’m going to miss my neutral self. She was a pretty chill gal, maybe a little too chill. Let’s see what this new happy thing is all about.
Love to all.