Many of us, whether we want to admit it or not, are miserable in our lives, or at least we aren't as happy as we could be. We seem to, as a collective, have accepted a certain level of unhappiness in our lives. We justify the unhappiness with phrases like, "You can't be happy all the time.". But this is more than just having a bad 5-minutes. This is years of being in relationships that haven't been happy for years but we stay because the priority is longevity and loyalty. We accept that if we're married for 20 years at least 10 of those years will be miserable because that's the way life is. We accept the miserable job because the bills need to be paid. We accept the house we don't like and the broken car because the miserable job doesn't pay us enough to allow us to get new stuff.
I've attempted to take my own life 3 times over the years, starting back when I was a teenager. Two of those attempts left me in the hospital. One of those attempts put me in the psychiatric unit for a while. I was clinically depressed at 12 years old. I fought that battle all through my teenage years until I was 20 or 21 and the roller coaster of pain stopped. I've had to battle it here and there over the years since then when things happened that I didn't necessarily have the skills to handle at the time.
It's been an interesting and eventful weekend. Life went from not moving at all to warp speed in a matter of minutes. It is still amazing how that tends to happen. There is nothing quite like hitting the gas pedal as hard as you can and flying off the starting line. I guess now I should fill all of you in on what's been happening.
It is said that pain in life is mostly optional, and that's true. Much of the pain that we experience in our lives is self-created. It's our own perception of things that usually gets us into trouble, not the actual circumstance or event. That's not to say that people don't experience major trauma in their lives, because they do, it's only that many of our day-to-day experiences create unnecessary pain. That's what we're here to talk about, the unnecessary pain we put ourselves through in order to learn or understand something.
There are so many stories from my life that I can share with you. I want to use the blog to share some of them with you, like the one I'm going to share today. I want it to be clear upfront that I'm not sharing a sob story. I'm not blaming anybody for my experience. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. This is my life. It's experience. It's my story. I lived it for a reason. Nothing in life is random. While I'm happy to share these things with you, I'm struggling to find the balance between sharing with you and re-victimizing myself. Please forgive me if this comes across that way. It is not the intent nor is it the purpose. Thanks in advance for reading my story.
Self-victimization is a form of ego protection. It's the ego and the voice in our heads, making us victims of the people and things around us in order to keep us safe. If we never get into a relationship again we don't have to worry about getting hurt. If we never get off the couch we can't stub our toe again. If we just stop talking to everybody, nobody can disappoint us anymore. There is safety in walling ourselves off from life, or at least that's how the ego would like us to see it. But we know that this isn't realistic. We can't live life like that. So what do we do? To access this post, please purchase a subscription
There are a number of spiritual truths that we learn over time on this path. They are mostly idealistic ways of being because the human simply isn't capable of living fully within them while remaining engaged in society. No matter how good they get in one way or another, there will always be something to work on.
The saying goes that happiness is an inside job. What does that mean? Regardless of what's going on around us we have the power to be happy in the moment. That isn't necessarily an easy thing to do, but the recognition of the possibility of it is an important first step.
Many people create lives where there are a lot of hidden things going on behind the scenes that others don't see. How many people do we each know that have skeletons hidden in the proverbial closet?
My mother was really good with my brother and me when we were tiny. I think she enjoyed having little kids around. As we got older though, her own trauma started to show up in her parenting style. She was triggered, particularly by me, and it affected our relationship drastically.