Communicating Was Terrifying For Me

Do you ever think about how far you’ve come on your journey?

Do you think about what your life would have been like if you hadn’t made those changes?

Every once in a while I get a kind of a progress report from my cards. It’s the proverbial pat on the head for a job well done. But it’s also a reminder of what I just let go of or managed to walk away from. It’s a reminder of the work that I do on myself all the time.

I’ve talked a lot about the lack cycle in my life and how I’ve had to work through all the worry and fear that cycle created for me. But that wasn’t the only show in town. I had given away my power in pretty much every aspect of my life. While that certainly showed up in the lack cycle in my inability to deal with debt collectors, it also showed up in my career and my relationships.

I didn’t like having conversations. I didn’t like confronting people. I didn’t like owning my own stuff. I didn’t like a lot of things because I was afraid of them. I was always worried about what others were thinking. What’s interesting in that is that I was out of control. People were probably thinking I was nuts anyway. What difference was a conversation going to make? But that’s the story of the mind. Somehow I had decided that acknowledging what I was doing was worse than what I was actually doing. By the way, that logic is ridiculous! That’s what the mind does, though. That’s how the mind protects us.

The irony in all of that is that I’m sitting here typing this. My career is well, communicating, the thing that used to scare me to death. I can remember early on when I was intuitively guided to start sharing my life online in blog form or even in a social media post. I remember wondering what good me splashing my problems all over the Internet was going to be for anybody. I didn’t understand how that worked or what it looked like. I didn’t want to share my life. I wanted to hide. I wanted to hide behind the subject I was teaching.

If I was talking about tarot then I wanted to hide behind it. You don’t see the CEO of McDonald’s out splashing his life on the Internet, do you? Why should I do it? I wanted to hide like he does! It took me a while to understand how me sharing my life online would look. There were a few early blogs of me sharing drama and 3D stories because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. I didn’t see another way to do it. I had to learn that it wasn’t about the drama, that there was another truth there that I needed to be able see and find. The important part was me sharing what I now refer to as the higher truth. It’s the part where we look for the reason why things are happening and what we need to gain from the experience, instead of just getting caught up in the drama.

Not only did I have to stop being afraid of talking I also had to change the way I talked and how I framed what I said. Ultimately I had to be able to do the things that I was talking about and learning. My ability to embody my own teaching was kind of important. That’s what I’ve done. Taking on that process is some of what helped me take my power back.

By understanding communication, by being able to admit to my own faults and own my own stuff, it changed my interactions with the people around me. It changed how I showed up in the world. It began to change my relationships and my career. My career came into focus and the boundaries in some of my relationships began to move. I never intentionally shifted the outside world. It happened anyway because I changed.

There was one other piece to that which was what I did with the responses that I got from the outside world. Part of the reason I was afraid of communicating was that I was afraid of the response. This part is an old wound from when I was a kid and nobody ever appreciated how I felt or even cared about what I felt in some cases, so I stopped telling people how I felt. I bottled everything up and kept everything a secret. While I got over the hurdle of sharing my life, I still had to deal with how I felt about what other people said in response to what I was offering. I had to deal with that old wound.

At first, I needed to defend myself. I can recognize that I have to monitor that because I’ll fall into it if I don’t. I’m still prone to it. The goal, of course, is to not be bothered by what others think of what I’m offering. I understand that not everybody will agree with what I share. It won’t sit right with everybody and that’s okay. The job for me though is not to convince people of it, but simply to leave it there. People can make their own decisions and do their own work. I don’t need to control that.

It comes down to putting it out in the world and walking away from it. When you choose a public platform like this and you start talking about things, you kind of have to do that, otherwise, you get caught up in arguing with strangers online. That’s kind of a useless thing as we’ve all discovered lately. So it’s best not to go there.

Finding the balance between needing to confront and acknowledge or simply leaving it where it is, is part of the journey. That’s an intuitive process for me. Do I need to engage here? Do I need to do anything with this? Trusting my intuition gives me the ability to make better choices than I used to. I’m still prone to being human, that’ll never change, but at least I can try and improve. The goal is always just to do better than I did the last time. Because I’m no longer scared of the process, it’s much easier for me to actually admit when I screw it up and attempt to do better the next time.

As with everything on this journey, it’s not a perfect system and it’s not meant to be. The goal is always learning and growing. We don’t give up just because it doesn’t work sometimes. We just keep going by giving ourselves permission to be human, screw up, fall down, and try again. The more we learn, the easier it gets, and ultimately, the happier we will be in our own skin.

Love to all.


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