Duelling with Duality
Intuition versus what the mind knows. What happens when they compete with each other? Who wins? What happens when you’re the one caught in the middle? There’s a story I’d like to share about that exact experience that I had almost 13-years ago.
It was when I was getting ready to marry my husband. As many of you know I had another relationship in the background. That’s the one where my heart was. That’s where I wanted to be. But, that relationship had its’ issues. He was terrified of commitment and I didn’t have the ability to just let him be where he was. For as much as I wanted to just be okay I couldn’t and it was starting to cause frustration and resentment within me.
I made a choice at that time based on what I knew both mentally and intuitively. Logically I knew I didn’t want to destroy the relationship with resentment. Logically I knew if I stayed I would single-handedly tear that relationship apart. I was also getting outside pressure to get married. My mother was busy telling me that if I didn’t get married soon I would be too old and nobody would want me. I was 34-years old and I was running out of time in her eyes. I was buying that story from her at the time and maybe it ended up being a good thing. I’ll explain that in a moment.
I also knew intuitively that separation was the only way to fix my relationship. We had work we needed to do individually, without the other one. By staying together we were both stuck. For him, there was no reason to move as long as I was there and for me, I just couldn’t do it. I had every reason to do it, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t let him off the hook at that point. I was stuck in my own stuff. He was showing me that and I needed the break to figure it out.
I knew separation was needed. I was frustrated with the whole thing which allowed me to leave in some respects, and I had outside pressure to leave because my mother had decided I was running out of time and I was buying that. Without the frustration and the pressure, I’m not sure I would have had the momentum or will to leave. I’m not sure I would have been able to. I needed all those things to happen just as they did.
I made the choice to settle. I took what I could get with the guy that was offering it and left the guy I wanted behind. I didn’t have time to be heartbroken. I didn’t have time to cry. I had to put my head down and just simply push through my choice. It was sheer willpower and courage, nothing else.
I knew the marriage wouldn’t work before I married him. It was solving a myriad of problems and shutting up the people around me. It gave me what I needed when I needed it. There is nothing malicious in that. There was no ill will, no evil intent, I was just doing what needed to be done. So I made a deal with myself, if he didn’t hate me and life allowed, I would find my way back to where I wanted to be.
It took a few years as we didn’t separate right away. But, after doing the work and separation and almost 13-years of marriage (much longer than I expected it to last), I did make my way back. I did reach back out to him.
What I want you to see is the duality of my experience. To the outside world what I just explained to you can appear awful. I used one guy to try to get the other. I don’t blame you if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just not true.
I had created a double life for myself at that point. I had the life I could explain on the stage for public viewing and I had the life that didn’t make sense, even to me, hidden in the background. When I couldn’t make the two fit together, I simply chose one over the other, hoping eventually I’d be able to make them come together as one.
It would have been easy to trap myself in my own awareness, to feel guilty even for acting on my own intuition because the appearance of that intuition in the outside world isn’t so great. I’ve said before that hurting people is sometimes an aligned event. It happens because the Universe puts people in our path to help us achieve our goals. Sometimes those people get put there to get hurt, not because the Universe wants to hurt them, but because they need that pain for their own growth and you’re just providing it.
Denying our own experience typically also denies the experience of another. That’s not to say that we become reckless in our behaviour. It is just that when things are in alignment and intuitively guided, following that is serving a greater purpose than just your own. As humans, we aren’t taught to see those things. Instead, we are taught to tip-toe around each other hoping to not throw anybody else’s apple cart off the path. But what if they need that? What if that experience would actually help them? Why are we so sure that because the experience is perceived as bad, it won’t help them?
There is value in pain. There is learning in pain. Pain is not just the experience of trauma. It’s not just victimization. It’s learning. It’s growth. It’s change. It serves purpose and has power. For as much as I picked one over the other, I also chose to allow the pain to be constructive instead of destructive. The pain part was unavoidable. We’re getting hurt, so now the question is how? I can allow it to descend into chaos, use fighting, resentment and bitterness to end the relationship forever or, I can cleanly walk away without fighting, and give the relationship a chance.
Sure it was a dice roll. There was a ton I didn’t have control over. But I had to trust that eventually he would understand. That eventually he would get it and maybe even see the value in it. I got lucky because that’s exactly what happened. My intuition was right, separation was the fix. Now imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t listened to it.
The path was long and difficult, but it was sure as hell worth it.
Love to all.
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