Fighting to Be Happy
Sometimes by acknowledging our own truth it forces change, lots of it. That change isn’t always the easiest thing to work through. Change can cause fighting with others. Changes can cause some level of fear. Change can cause anxiety, stress and worry. But change can also be very good and make us very happy.
The challenge is in deciding to take the hard road. The challenge is in deciding that the struggle is worth it to get to where we want to go. That’s a choice that I’m facing as I write this. It’s the choice to be happy, deal with the fallout from that and trust that I will land on my feet and survive what happens.
He’s going to want to talk. I’m going to have to talk too. No typing. No text. No quiet, behind the scenes stuff. There’s no place to hide around here. I can’t go to the basement and hide. I can’t leave. I have to stay and let my ex-husband hear it all. I have to handle the blow out that happens after. I have to be okay with all this and trust that whatever happens was meant to be this way.
And so it will begin, the thing I’ve wanted and dreaded at the same time. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t want to upset my children more than I need to. I don’t want the fighting and arguing that will follow. But this is what fighting to be happy is going to look like for me. This is the minefield of a path I have to take. Honestly, I’m terrified of it.
There’s a saying, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”. That’s what this is. I’ve been afraid of my future and I’ve been afraid to take control of my own life. I’ve always allowed other people to determine what I do. If I wasn’t allowing people to control me I was making myself dependent on others to force that control. I’m not sure, even when I lived by myself, that I had full control over my life. I always felt like I was limited by someone or something. This time, if I allow my ex-husband to gain control, I stay stuck. I stay where I am, I lose the guy I want and I don’t get to have the life I want to have.
The choice is reasonably easy, following it through and making it happens is entirely a separate thing. But this is what it is. It’s almost time to do go get what I said I wanted. Wish me luck!
Love to all.
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