Freeing Myself

It’s been an interesting and eventful weekend. Life went from not moving at all to warp speed in a matter of minutes. It is still amazing how that tends to happen. There is nothing quite like hitting the gas pedal as hard as you can and flying off the starting line. I guess now I should fill all of you in on what’s been happening.

So, if you’ve followed me a bit, you know that cash flow problems have been a thing of late. One of the things that’s been a struggle is getting the rent paid on time. This is part of an old story I tell myself about lack and not enough. It’s a thing I’ve been chipping away at for a long time. But this isn’t a money blog, so let’s continue.

I was guided last week to basically let the rent go and not worry about it. We were the usual few hundred dollars short and I was guided not to fix it. Just let it be. So I did. On Friday morning, I paid the rent 8 days late, and well within their right to do so, they evicted us.

Notice I said I was guided to let the plate fall. I could have fixed it and probably prevented the eviction. The problem with that is that it continued to extend the cycle that we were in. When things repeat continuously month after month, there’s something there that needs to be dealt with. You know the saying, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”. My guides were trying to get me to do this last month and the before, but I didn’t quite have the power yet. I knew I needed to get out of it and break the cycle so I powered through this time. This was the way, no matter how crazy it sounds, that I was guided to end this. There is nothing quite like jumping out of the airplane when you’re not even sure if the parachute works. But that’s what we did. What that does is breaks the cycle instantly.

Story number 2 that has been playing out is that I broke up with my husband this time last year. I haven’t been able to leave for the same reason I haven’t been able to pay the rent on time. See how it’s all connected? But this eviction provided an opportunity for me to break this second cycle that I’ve been in. It shook up all the stagnant, stuck energy that was keeping me and consequently everybody around me, stuck.

One of my friends suggested that it was a good time for me to break ranks and leave. We’re all moving anyway. Why not just pack my stuff separately and do my own thing? My first response was well, because, “money”. But that keeps me in the cycle. The only way to break it is to give up on that excuse. I can make this happen if I choose to. I don’t have to stay stuck here. I have a choice that in many ways, I’d already made. I’ve decided to go my own way. I have no idea how that’s going to work. But I’m not putting my name on the lease applications with him.

The thing that stops me in all this is my thinking. It’s not about what’s happening around me. I realized yesterday that I was trying to dive and hold on to the diving board at the same time. I can’t put my name on those applications and look for my own space and then pick one later. I have to just decide and do it.

It’s always the brain trying to keep us safe and that’s exactly what mine is busy doing. Recognizing it is key though, because that’s what allows us to move forward. The brain will make up crap. We have to recognize it and shut it down because that’s the only way our intuitions can truly guide us in the direction of our dreams.

At some point in the future I will share more about the conversation I had with my ex-husband. For the moment, I’d just be re-victimizing myself if I did so. I also want to make sure I’m not projecting any blame. Without getting into anything though, I want to say that words matter. What we say and what we don’t say are of equal value.

People are absolutely responsible for their own reactions to us but we are just as responsible for what we say. Saying what we mean and meaning what we say are important concepts. Don’t leave it to the other person to figure out the hidden meanings or guess at what you didn’t say. The more that’s left open to the imagination, the more room there is for a story to be made up and meanings to be guessed at, made up or inferred. Tell the whole story, not just most of it. Be as open and honest as you can in all situations. Once everything is out then the other person can react however they will. As long as we’re leaving things up to the imagination of the other person though, trouble will be easy to find.

I’m not going to share the story behind these two sentences. But I want you to see the difference. The first one is what Matt said to me, the second is what he meant.

“I wouldn’t have come over here just for that (something I needed).”

“I wouldn’t have come over here just for that myself, but if you needed it, I’m glad we came.”

I’m an intuitive psychic medium but I don’t read minds. I can’t guess what he meant. I can only hear what he said. The first statement makes my needs completely unimportant. The second statement acknowledges my needs. Many statements like the first one over the course of many years have led to the end of this marriage. Everything that was unsaid left me feeling secondary, dismissed, unimportant and unnecessary.

Words, or the lack of them, do matter. Communication is key. Say what you mean, mean what you say, then you don’t have to wonder whether the other person understands what you meant. You also won’t end up surprised when the other person tells you how they truly feel about the way they’ve been treated by you. I want to leave it with this note. I have tried for years to get him to understand this difference and he has not until now. It doesn’t change my plans because it’s too little, too late. It’s just an important lesson in communication for everyone.

Love to all.


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