I Don’t Have my Sh!t Together

And that’s okay. Let me explain.

I don’t play in the same space as other people when problems arise and life happens. No matter how good we are spiritually, no matter how healed we become, no matter how intuitive we are, life continues to happen and problems arise. That’s just how life is.

Last night my lack of confidence, my lack of trust in myself to be successful in my work, and my money story all collided for a 3-way match-up. It was a fiery brawl that resulted in a 3-way tie. It resulted in my brain and ego jumping right into the mud puddle and down that proverbial rabbit hole we did go. I was very upset to the point where I considered going back to my old job on Monday. I was mad at myself. I was mad at my money story. I was mad that I allowed my lack of confidence and my fear of confrontation to stop me from moving forward. I was mad at my intuition and the Universe.

I started to take it out on myself. At first, I got mad at my intuition or the Universe, I did the blame game. That was rabbit hole number 1. Then I went into victim mode because obviously, it’s not my fault, rabbit hole number 2. Then I went into self-defeat because I need to go back to my old job, rabbit hole number 3. Then I started to wind my way back out into acceptance and allowing. I did that all in a span of fewer than 24 hours.

When I tell you it’s okay to let your brain go into those spaces, it’s because it is. What I always follow that up with is that you need to take your awareness with you. By taking your awareness with you, even if you can’t get yourself out of it right away, you at least always have a map. You know where you are. You’re not forever lost in the abyss. It then becomes possible to find your way back much more quickly than you would otherwise.

My awareness comes with me always, even when I’m mad at it, and it allows me to recover faster. I had to wait until I could move out of it and that didn’t happen right away. I had to have the fit. I had to go through the motions. The only difference between me and what most people will do is that I give myself the opportunity to open up and see it differently. I don’t stay stuck in the story.

Yes, the story is compelling. I get it, but that doesn’t mean the story is true. That doesn’t mean you have to buy into what the mind wants to tell you. It doesn’t make you a victim. That’s just the ego talking. If I lose control of my awareness or my ability to slow down and figure out what to do next intuitively, that’s on me. That’s not about my intuition or the world around me. That’s just me and my stuff and it’s an opportunity for me to understand how this all weaves together and what I can work on for next time.

I spent a good chunk of yesterday working on staying out of worry and fear. I managed to do that quite successfully for the majority of the day. It was later on in the day, quite late in the evening actually, that I descended into my own chaos and the 3-way brawl ensued. My lack of confidence in my ability to earn a stable living in my business screams sometimes depending on what the money story is doing. If there is some perceived crisis then I tend to react because I want to avoid confrontation. When the whole thing collided it meant I fixed a money problem that I should have stayed out of. I was meant to let that plate fall. My lack of confidence in myself and my work combined with a perceived money story crisis all came together to get me to fall back into an old pattern of fixing things.

Today I was quiet. I didn’t do anything. My awareness came back online the way it was meant to, and I resisted the ego need to continue to try to fix things. I stayed out of it. I worked on letting myself off the hook by understanding what the problem actually was, not the story I made up about what happened. I didn’t perpetuate the money story because this lesson was all about confidence. If I’d gone back today to try to fix the money stuff, then yes that would have perpetuated the cycle. My fixing things was my lack of confidence being triggered, not fear of or worry about money, at least not directly.

All of that confidence stuff and my money story play off of each other really well. It requires awareness and understanding of what’s actually happening versus what we think is happening, to see what the truth is. We come to the truth by being open to seeing it differently, by allowing ourselves to step out of the perpetual cycles of blame, shame, guilt, and victimization. Is it okay to wear the hat for an hour? Sure. But take that thing off and pay attention to what’s actually going on because otherwise, you get sucked in and it’s hard to get back out.

Trust me, there was a time when I would have been very stuck in this right now, where it would have been impossible for me to do what I’ve done in this short period of time. This doesn’t happen without work on myself and my awareness. It comes with time. No, I don’t have my shit together, but I do understand how to get out of the shit once you’re in it because I’ve done that work on myself.

Healing doesn’t mean the problems don’t happen. Healing doesn’t mean you handle everything brilliantly all the time. Healing doesn’t even mean you get everything healed. It just means you’re able to handle what happens in a way that isn’t quite so triggering and traumatic for you. Not everything needs to be a big, hairy deal. Even when things seem like they are a big deal, if you can learn to back out of it enough, most of the time it’s not as bad as you think it is.

Everything that happens is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. The only question is whether or not you’re open enough to allow yourself to go through that process. If you’re not then you stay stuck in the story. If you are, then you move through the story and you find the truth. The truth is hidden in the lesson that is meant to be learned, not the pain of what happened. The pain just shows you that you’re going the wrong way. If you just turn around, the truth is right there for you to find.

Love to all.


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