I Had Control…

Until I didn’t.

The mind is a crazy place to hang out and the human ego is about as fickle as they come. So, then I start struggling with struggling. Then the story starts. Then excuses, lies, fear, worry, and doubt all kick in. Oh good! Down the rabbit hole we go! What a wonderful place to be.

Meanwhile, my awareness of all this is in the background, covering one eye, hoping it doesn’t die in a fiery crash as I don’t necessarily stop the impending doom quickly. So, here we are. Here I am. Blog time of course. What else would I do when faced with an infestation of the mind?

It’s not even that there is anything happening. I don’t have an exciting story for you. I don’t have tales of trials and tribulations today. It’s just another day in paradise. But yet, the ego wonders when things will change. The ego wonders what the hold-up is. The ego loves to spend time doubting itself and any excuse to do that is good, especially perceptions of delay or stuckness.

I have this fiery energy in the background behind my watery self, that tends to want to make things happen. Well, I know how that goes. It usually doesn’t end well. I’m better off not making things happen, not in that forceful, bull-headed, stubborn mule kind of way that I tend to do things anyway.

The cards tell me to be patient, and I think I am. I’ve been patient, but I want control and I don’t have it. Things like divine timing are at work and I am to be patient and wait while doing my own thing in my work and enjoying the work that I do. Sometimes, I just can’t help myself and today seems to be one of those days. I’m supposed to be finishing up my book, happily writing away, but no. Instead, I worry about crap I can’t control. Because, why not? It’s fun I guess.

I can hear it from here. “But Laura, what happened to awareness? What happened to getting control over the mind?” Did I mention it’s not a perfect system? You know what? It’s okay that it’s not perfect. That’s half the fun of being human. I get to explore this little hole of doubt and fear instead.

So, what if it doesn’t move forward?

What if you don’t get what you want?

What if you do get what you want?

What if it’s okay if it’s not okay?

What if it’s okay anyway?

What if?

The mind is nuts. The awareness will return. Things will move forward when they are supposed to and it will all be fine. I know that. But for today, for right now, the mind is exploring the world of doubt and fear because it’s familiar and comfortable, and that’s okay too.

I’m going to let it explore for a little while longer. If anything good comes up, you’ll be the first to know.

Love to all.


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