Learning from Pain

It happens to the best of us! You know what? It’s okay that it happens because that’s how we learn. There is nothing wrong with learning. We like to beat ourselves up for it, but the truth is, learning is just part of life. It’s not a bad thing. We just seem to think that as adults we’re supposed to know everything and we can’t.

We carry all those wounds with us, all that pain from our past gets brought forward, and that means we respond and react from it. When we do that, sometimes it doesn’t work out so well and we end up learning lessons about ourselves that we really hadn’t planned to learn.

Don’t beat yourself up for what you didn’t know when you didn’t know it! Did you beat yourself up when you went to school and the teacher would start something new that you didn’t know yet? Would you be mad at yourself because you didn’t know it? Of course not, that’s ridiculous! So why do we do it in adulthood? Who made up the rule that learning was supposed to stop at 18? It obviously doesn’t. We keep learning and it has to be that way. That’s the point of the human experience, it’s for learning about ourselves.

I can hear you all from here. But Laura, we hurt people when we learn as adults! Not knowing how to add in school doesn’t hurt anybody!

The perception is that we often learn at the expense of others in adulthood. We learn about our own pain by causing other people pain. We don’t want to learn that way because we don’t want to hurt each other. Let’s get out of these weeds because this keeps us stuck and we can’t stay here.

Let’s go back to our limited human perception that says that people come into our lives by chance and that if we love them, we won’t hurt them. It says that people don’t ask for the things that happen in their lives. They have no control. It’s all random. We all just simply need to do better with each other because this game of roulette we play with each other hurts.

It’s not just limited, it’s an impossible ideal and expectation of the human experience as it is today. We are here by choice, spirit choice, not human choice. We have some, not all, of our experiences also controlled by spirit choice before we jump into human form. The most obvious two events are birth and death. The others will be more difficult to determine. Nothing in our world is random, regardless of how it appears. Every interaction you have, including the most minor of interactions with grocery store cashiers and Walmart greeters, is intentional. Nothing, absolutely nothing, including the people in the cars around you on the street, is random. You do have control over your experience though. You don’t have to stay in that lesson. You don’t have to keep feeling pain. You can heal. Those things will change the experiences you have in your life.

People come into your life on purpose because every relationship we have with anyone, including family, is there for teaching and learning. We are all here to teach each other. It’s only whether we choose to pick up the lessons and learn from them or simply be wounded and triggered by them, that determines what happens in that relationship.

Pain will be part of our relationships with each other because we are all learning and growing at the same time. It is impossible for that to not be true. It is impossible to have a relationship with no pain. It is impossible to not trip over each other at some point. It will happen. We just have to learn to accept that.

The ideal that says we should walk around as carefully as we can so we don’t bump into anybody or hurt anybody, even accidentally, is simply an excuse to stay on the sidelines and not even bother to try. Talk about setting yourself up for failure.

Pain is part of life. Suffering is optional. The suffering gets created when we don’t heal the pain. Recognize that everybody else is learning too. When we trip over each other, it’s just part of the learning experience. It’s growing pains. It’s not a bad thing. Not only is it not bad, but it’s also required.

Now I’m not suggesting we go around treating each other like crap intentionally. I’m just suggesting that it’s okay to be human, and if we accidentally bump into each other along the way, we have the ability to work those things out. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, there doesn’t need to be any wild pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other. We can find balance in that.

Part of the reason we struggle is that we spend a lot of our time trying to avoid conflict. I get it, I’m a conflict avoider myself. I get why you’d do that. But I also understand how limiting that is. It’s not that we want to pick a fight, it’s that by owning our stuff we help each other with the pain. We can help each other heal that way.

When we haven’t healed enough yet to recognize that our own action or inaction is part of the problem and that it’s not just about the other person all the time, we create scenarios where the pain doesn’t ever heal. People just get hurt and they stay that way. When we aren’t taking responsibility for our reactions to things because we believe our reaction is based solely on the other person’s behavior, we have a problem. That’s where most people are at this very moment. It’s a very victimized way of seeing things and it makes other people responsible for your behavior, which is not true. Regardless of what other people are doing or not doing, you have a choice of how you respond. Understanding that is called taking responsibility for your behavior.

Let yourself off the hook for learning in real-time. Let yourself off the hook for being human! It’s okay to be human, just own your stuff, take responsibility for your own reactions. Don’t pin your behavior on other people. As you do that, you’ll be able to heal, and then it doesn’t have to end the relationship, the pain doesn’t have to go on forever. There can be balance and peace and harmony, we just have to work at it a little bit and recognize that we’re all learning together.

It was never meant to be a perfect system, at least not from the human perspective. From a higher perspective though, it is absolutely perfect, because it’s doing exactly what it’s designed to do, teach you about yourself. The goal is your own growth and every relationship you have is designed to assist with that. Be easy on yourself. You’re still learning.

Love to all.


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