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Mourning the Old Life

We can make a lot of change before we get to a place where we actually find ourselves mourning the old life. It’s not because the old life was great. It’s not because the new change is bad. It’s because of how much we learned in that life. It’s like walking away from your old childhood home for the last time.

My parents have owned their home for over 40 years. I was barely in school when we moved in there. When they sell it, likely in the next few years, it will be sad. It was my childhood home. I still only live a short distance from them. It will be weird not to go back there anymore. But that day will come and that new reality will happen, whether I’m ready for it or not. What I do with it, how I respond to it, is up to me.

My focus card for today was the Moon. It’s generally a card of shadows and trouble. I’m not expecting trouble, but the shadows are certainly out. I’ve been arguing with my own power. It shows up as a lack of confidence. It shows up as staying in the old reality. It shows up as not letting go of things that are done. It would be like pitching a tent in the backyard of my childhood home after my parents had moved out.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we pitch a tent in the backyard of the place we need to leave behind? Why do we hang out and relive this old crap for no reason? What purpose does it serve?

Well, I can use the excuse that I’m learning from it, but I’m not, not anymore. I’ve gotten what I need. I could probably find some other excuses like what other people will think or that I’m not ready yet. But that’s not true either. So what is true?

I’m scared of my own power.

There, I said it. Who am I if I don’t have something to argue with? Who am I if I’m not cutting myself off at the knees every day? Who am I if I actually use that power to finish what I started?

On that final day in that house, as you grab the last couple of things to walk out the door for the last time, the memories can flash by. The sentimental feelings show up. You look around one last time and maybe stand there for an extra few minutes, but then it’s time to go. You walk out the door and shut it behind you. You turn around and walk away. It’s over. It’s done.

Somehow closing an actual door and physically walking away is different from the energetic version that I’m trying to work through as I type this right now. Maybe it would be easier if it was a physical door, or maybe not. Maybe I could mimic the action with a door here right now.

It’s just a thread that the old life hangs on by. I’ve had the scissors to cut it for a long time. I found it interesting that I moved to a sense of grief, which is why I grabbed my laptop and started typing this. I could use this as an excuse to dig in the box. I gotta heal! I’m not done with it yet! You probably already know what I think of that. I’m not digging in that box. I’ll allow the feelings, but I’m not diving into anything. There’s nothing to heal. It may even bring a sense of relief to cut the thread. Letting go can do that.

They’ve been showing me how much I’ve already done for myself and how much power I have. They want me to acknowledge my power. They want me to acknowledge how much power it took to get here. Look what you did! Look what you created! Look where you are! It takes guts to do what you did! But I don’t. I do what we all do. It wasn’t that hard. It didn’t take that much. I didn’t do that, the other person did. It wasn’t me.

How can you accept something you don’t even acknowledge? The truth is you can’t. You can’t heal pain you don’t realize is there. You can’t accept power you don’t want to acknowledge the existence of. I keep thinking I need to keep my ego out of this. I can’t let this stuff go to my head. Acknowledging the power would cause my ego to inflate. We can’t have that. I can’t acknowledge power. What if my ego likes it too much?

Do you see the trap?

I just scapegoated my own ego as an excuse to not acknowledge things. Can one acknowledge their power and keep the ego in check at the same time? Can you stay humble and be powerful simultaneously? Yes. It is possible to do that. So why don’t I just do that? Because I’ve never done it before. I’m not sure I know how.

I don’t think it’s rocket science. I’m sure I’m smart enough to figure it out. The excuses are almost funny though. The mind plays these games with us. Stay small. Don’t acknowledge yourself. Just stay in the box. It’s better there. Until when? It blows up and we have that proverbial tower moment? I think not.

You’re scared of your power because you’re scared of what it means for your life. You’re scared of what might happen if. What if people don’t like me? What if I scare people away? What if it goes to my head? What if I can’t handle it?

Or, what if I can handle it and already have been handling it for quite a while? What if it actually brings people to me? What if what happens is what I wanted in the first place?

I accepted the “weaker” bits of me but the problem is that I identified with them too. If I take them on as my identity then I can’t be who I really am. They are part of me, yes, but they aren’t me. Do you see the difference? The problems aren’t me either. They are a projection of a version of me that doesn’t exist anymore but that I still cling to the memory of.

To-do list: Acknowledge my own power, release attachments to memories, and cut the final thread on the old life so that I can move forward. Maybe a little grieving over the loss of the old while I’m at it.

Sounds like a party.

See you on the other side.

Love to all.

Laura

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