My Trip Down Memory Lane
Revisiting my powerlessness was a powerful experience for me, maybe more so than I was aware of in my podcast early Monday morning when I was just happy to get back to work and started feeling a little better.
This time when I went back to powerlessness, I had my awareness with me. Even though I wasn’t totally sure of what was happening or where I was, I was still aware of the fact that I wasn’t happy, I was frustrated, I felt the victimization, and I didn’t understand why I was feeling those things. It felt more like I just didn’t understand how to read the map of my awareness or that my intuition had run into a system failure. You know how the GPS in your car sometimes leads you astray? That’s how I felt about my intuition for a bit. My awareness means I didn’t just dive into unconsciousness for two weeks for no reason though. It was actually a useful trip because I’m able to see myself within the experience.
I learned rather powerfully that I never want to go back there again. I will never ever give up my power to anybody anymore. I didn’t like the feeling of being stuck in my circumstances. I didn’t like the feeling of being grumpy and unable to do anything in my reality. I didn’t like being resigned to where I was and the thought that I would have to just put up with my life because I didn’t have the ability to change it. That was all victimization. It was all just this feeling of helplessness that I didn’t have control over and couldn’t do anything about.
It made me mad at my life, at the Universe, at everything. I was mad at everything outside of me that I didn’t have control over. Talk about arguing with your reality. This was a full-on fistfight. I was pissed off because I felt like I had ended up back where I had started with no way out. I was blaming my GPS or intuition. It just didn’t make any sense.
The one thing it did do was give me determination in a different way. Let’s see if I can make this make sense. Before that little trip down memory lane, I was determined, but to some degree, it was still from a place of fixing problems and saving myself. It wasn’t completely selfish because I had balanced that with doing a lot of work for free, being very generous with my time, and so on. The energy of determination still had a kink in it though. because the determination was still based on my ability to solve problems in the external world. The minute I decided that my efforts would have no effect, I stopped working. There’s that little wrinkle in the energy. Not working was what bothered me the most.
Let’s back up for a second because in the course that I’m writing right now, I’m encouraging people to push forward in a more selfish way at the beginning and there is a reason for that. When the audience is small you need some sort of motivation or momentum to keep you going. The desire to change the world isn’t generally enough to keep people out of their heads most of the time. The minute they start making up stories or feeling victimized by the lack of response, they run aground with their work. Suddenly they are on again off again and wondering why they have no audience.
The idea behind working more selfishly, especially in the beginning, is to create momentum and provide more inspiration and motivation. The act of doing something is quite powerful, but in order to take full advantage of that, you have to be consistent with it. It also has the benefit of dragging up all the crazy beliefs and ideas people have about their work, their audiences, and making money. So it has a dual effect. First, it creates powerful momentum and consistency. Second, it dredges up all the crap energy so that you can see it and deal with it. The idea, of course, is to deal with it earlier in the process rather than saving it all for later. The more we can uncover all those hidden beliefs and ideas, the easier it is to create a business that’s fully aligned with you and that you love.
Once you get through that process. Once you are more or less doing it because you wouldn’t do anything else. Once you are committed to it and no longer have it hinged on how many likes you get, you can back off a little bit. The reason for the drive forward needs to shift from being based on more selfish problem-solving type reasons to more of a selfless desire to help others and put your message out in the world. What you’ve watched me do the last couple of weeks is what happens when you don’t get all the kinks out.
It showed me how important my message was to me and that it wasn’t just a means to an end. The process of being very determined, even though it was based mostly on problem-solving, allowed me to get really clear on what I was talking about, who my message was aimed at, what the model for delivery would look like (courses, books, blogs, etc.), and so on. It was actually a very useful process. I just didn’t shift away from the problem-solving portion so well. That’s okay because the detour was actually really valuable.
There’s a transition period between moving forward in a very “determined to solve all my problems” kind of a way, to one that is based solely on a desire to help and be of service in the world. Where I got stuck early on and where I find others get stuck, is at the beginning when we still have a lot of weird ideas and we don’t have an audience yet. The idea of using the energy of wanting to solve problems as a way to move forward can help get you over the hurdle in those early days.
The transition point comes when you no longer care about solving the problems. Effectively the problems stop mattering. You’re no longer in fear. You’re happy in your work and you’re comfortable with what you’re doing. You’re out of your head and you’ve dealt with the majority of the crazy ideas that used to stop you. I hit that point a while back. What I didn’t do was shift from the determination around problem-solving to more of a desire to change the world. I needed the detour back to powerlessness to catch that and make the shift within myself. This is the point where the message takes over and becomes more important than all the other stuff we used to push us forward in the beginning.
Now that I understand it and I recognize it in myself I can easily catch it in others and make sure I address it in my work. It’s not rocket science, it’s just an interesting little added note. It’s something to pay attention to and heal or deal with when the time is right. Just so you understand, this process has taken me almost 12 years, from the beginning of my computer business until now. It doesn’t have to take you that long though. It took me that long because I didn’t start healing until 8 years ago. I did the computer business completely unconsciously and fully anchored into the matrix. It didn’t work. Awareness, “waking up”, and healing have been my keys to success. You’re already ahead of me and you can move through this process very quickly if you continually practice using your awareness to understand yourself within the experience.
Also, notice that the problems in my life aren’t actually solved yet. They are still present. The transition point comes before the outside world changes or the problems are solved. The problems resolve when your energy resolves. As long as there are kinks in the energy, the problems remain. Being unattached to the problems is part of it, but it’s not the whole thing. You have to get the energy right to be successful with it, and that’s what you’ve been watching me do. Without making myself sound like a martyr because I’m so not a martyr, the purpose of my awareness of my own journey is to be able to understand it and then teach it to others. My understanding of this means I write the blog, I add the section to the course, and you get the benefit of my experience. That’s important and it’s actually exactly how my business and life are designed to work. This is me honoring the work that I do, not just on myself, but in my business as well.
I get really upset when I don’t do this, as I got to learn for a couple of weeks. I have to do it now, maybe more than I realized before, maybe more than I wanted to admit to. I’ve understood what the setup was for a while. I would have an experience in my life, I would process it using my awareness while looking for truth, and then I would share everything that came from that with you. My life would constantly generate the contents of my work. In turn, my work would help me navigate my life. By sharing everything I learned, I could help others as well. I am my work. My business is my own personal self-help project that I just make public for everybody to see.
What I’ve had to understand is that I couldn’t make my work contingent on results in the outside world or on whether or not it made other people comfortable because of how important and personal the work was to me. I’m not just sharing some crap I made up. I’m sharing my own experience and everything I learn because of it. I’m sharing my life. In doing so, the goal is to give you a path that allows you to navigate more easily. If I can give you a way to use your own awareness effectively, then I’m doing what I’m here to do.
Powerlessness taught me who I was and it also taught me who I wasn’t. I understand now that I can’t go back anymore. There is too much connection, too much power, and too much purpose in what I do. It’s too important to stop. The shift from solving problems to simply the desire to help and share has taken place. I’m in a good place now. If nothing else, I want to give you the hope that this is possible for you too, because it is. It’s not easy, but it’s so very worth it.
Love to all.