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Powerlessness

Powerlessness is something that’s been coming up for me. I keep getting these messages that my work is powerful, that I am not powerless and I can create change, and so on. They keep showing up. You know me by now, when that happens you’re going to hear about it because that’s how this works.

I want to start this blog from the perspective of a student or learner. You know that phrase in spiritual circles that says that you don’t have control? I’m guilty of using it myself. I internalized it a little too far I think. I put the control outside of myself and it’s sabotaging me. It’s causing me to believe that I’m not powerful or that I can’t do enough or that my work isn’t enough.

I recognize that this is a form of disempowerment, another one. I keep taking my power away from myself and here we go again. The question is why do I do that to myself all the time? Where does that come from? How do I stop doing it? When do I just simply allow my power to stay within me?

The first thing that happens or that I do when I get these kinds of messages is clear the energy. It’s a quick process where I release whatever the energy is that’s holding me in place. I engage my mind to get myself thinking differently immediately and I remove the emotional charge from what comes up. I’m not deep healing. I’m working with crappy ideas and beliefs that are keeping me stuck. I don’t really want to go back to my childhood and find the place where I was told I was powerless because it doesn’t matter. It’s showing up in my experience now and I have enough awareness to handle it in the present without reverting back to childhood trauma. I’ve dug in those boxes plenty of times. There is no need to do it again.

The first thing that came up was my ego because it likes the idea of going on a power trip. I realized quickly that’s actually where the problem is. Keeping myself powerless was my way of keeping myself humble and keeping my ego out of my work. But that’s sabotaging me. So now the question is, can I keep my ego out of it and still keep my power? If so, how?

There are two different types of power. There is that egocentric power we’re all familiar with. We probably all know somebody that has it. It’s ego generated and is actually a form of self-protection. It’s a boundary of sorts that blocks others out, makes us feel better than other people, and keeps us fairly isolated. The power that I’m referring to is not egoic. It’s not a form of self-protection. It’s a healthy belief in myself and my work that doesn’t include thinking I’m better than other people or protecting myself from the opinions of others. It’s not a boundary or a wall that I can use to keep people out.

The power in this case is the engine in the car. It’s the thing that puts the drive in what I do. If passion is the gasoline, then power is the engine. You need both to make the car move. Passion isn’t a problem. I have that. Feeling powerful enough to use the gasoline effectively? That may be part of the issue. Am I worthy of this passion? Do I deserve this gasoline? Is it okay if I do this?

The teacher wants to come out now and just show you how all of this goes together. Powerlessness comes back to worthiness and good enoughness. It comes back to feeling like you deserve to be here and do this thing. It also comes back to giving myself permission to show up. Immediately the mind wants to make up excuses why not. It’s my job to catch those. That’s awareness.

I was in the shower before I sat down to write this, and my mind immediately went to the idea that I “should” read more. I don’t read a lot of books. I can make up a lot of excuses as to why, but the point is I don’t read a ton and I never have. It was never a big deal until my brain decided that was an excuse to stay powerless. “Most authors read a lot.” “You need to be a voracious reader in order to be a good writer.” “You don’t read enough to be an author.” Do you see where we’re going?

The mind makes up crap. If we don’t catch it, if we allow that stuff, if I allow that nonsense to stop me, then I don’t write and I continue to believe my work is powerless. The first excuse my mind went to was that I wasn’t good enough because I hadn’t read several hundred books in my life. If I believe that and take that on then I might as well stop here. But I’m not going to do that. It doesn’t matter whether I’ve read 5 books or 500 books, I’m still good enough to be here and do this.

What about the ego? Fear of allowing the ego in could stop me. Fear of making this an ego trip could keep me from accepting the power that comes through the work that I do, but it doesn’t have to. We’re back to awareness because to get around this one I have to pay attention to where the power shows up, what it looks like, and how it feels. The power here is more of a channeled power that I allow to flow through me. I’ve said before that most of the words aren’t mine. I use my gifts of clairaudience and premonition or vision to get messages. My power is in allowing that to flow through me and finding ways to use it to help others. My ego doesn’t do the work. It’s not just me trying to sound like I know what the heck I’m talking about. If it were just me the energy healing I do wouldn’t work. It would just be me waving my arms around in the air for no reason! hahahaha

I draw my power from the same source everybody else gets their power from. I just channel it in such a way that I get the great honor of being able to help others with it. The truth is my ego plays a very small part in this process. Yes, it’s the personality that I show up with, but it’s not the power behind the work that I do. I channel some potent energy and infinite wisdom that gives me the words that I speak and write to you every day. I am not powerless because the energy that I channel through me is not powerless.

From the ego perspective, it does take power and courage to show up and do this. The humbleness is sort of built-in to what I do because I play both student and teacher roles all the time. That keeps one humble. I don’t just come here and tell you how perfect I am. hahaha I share with you the human story so that you can see that it’s possible, even if it doesn’t come easy all the time. I don’t just go off, learn it, and come back when I’ve figured it out as so many spiritual teachers and leaders do. I offer it to you in real-time as I’m working through it. I try very hard to take the trigger out of it though and not have it sound like I’m just whining about my life again. If I’m experiencing it, it’s likely that there are others out there also experiencing the same thing. That’s why it’s important to share the process that I go through.

Notice there was no deep healing required. I get the brain on board, clear the energy out, replace the wonky belief with something more supportive, and then in a way, I go prove it to myself by showing up and using my power to help others just as I always do. That’s not to say that I won’t have to pay attention for a while because I will but that will get easier. It always does.

Do we need deep healing? Sure. I think we start there, we all start there. We dig through those boxes dozens if not hundreds of times trying to clear them. But if you’re reading this, chances are good you’ve dug in that box far too much and it’s time to stop. The trinket today was powerlessness. I pulled it out of the box, dealt with it, and put it away. I don’t need the other stuff today. It can stay where it is. I know what it is, and at least for today, I don’t need to trip over it. It doesn’t serve me to dig through that right now. I found what I needed and it’s time to move on. It’s okay to do the same thing for yourself. You’ve already done the hard part. Take it easy on yourself.

Love to all.

Laura

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