Safety and Insecurity

It’s not very often I burst into tears, but here we are. Sometimes emotions are just there. They cannot be avoided. You can’t rationalize yourself out of them. They just show up and that’s totally okay. We let them be and now I get to work on understanding what all that was about. That is what brings on another episode of “Laura’s Saturday Evening Blogs”. I do all the good stuff on Saturday night don’t you know?

Safety. That was what came up. Not feeling safe in my life or in my own skin. Feeling the constant need to protect myself in some form, whether I need to or not, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, never knowing what’s around the next corner. If you play in that space as I do, you’ll know the Universe plays along, happily giving you another thing and another thing and another thing to make you feel unsafe and insecure.

I was gifted another one of those moments on Friday evening. Go me! Another opportunity to dive into the grunge of this old cycle that’s trying to leave, but for whatever reason, I keep hanging onto it. This time the question of feeling safe in my life came up. Let’s reach back into the archives and see what I can find in my life that goes with that story.

I never felt physically unsafe, but I was almost always emotionally unsafe and mentally unsafe. I couldn’t say what I thought, my decisions were never right, and I definitely wasn’t allowed to have feelings. I talked about that on Facebook the other day. I put up some really big walls because of all those messages I’ve had over the years.

Trying to come out of that shell, allow myself to feel, share what I think, and make choices for myself (gasp!) is clearly triggering all the things, safety being the big one. How dare I do that? How dare I live my own life on my own terms? Who am I to take control over my own life and make choices for myself? Who am I to decide it’s okay to live life on my own terms? Who the hell do I think I am? What the f*ck am I thinking?

Oh, that. The part that says I’m not allowed to do that because I’m not smart enough or good enough. The part of me that wants to check in all the time and make sure I’m doing it right. The part of me that still holds all that insecurity and pain. The part of me that’s still that tiny, shy little girl that only wanted to be accepted for who she was, but never found it anywhere she looked for it.

Here I sit today. I’ve worked damn hard to get here. I had to overcome some crazy stories, wicked patterns, and some really nutty thinking to do it. I had to sit in the fear of what would happen. I had to let the plates fall. I had to let go of people and things to make space for myself to heal. I had to put up boundaries, make choices, and challenge myself at every turn to just simply keep going.

Now I try to help people do this for themselves by facing their own fears, letting their own plates fall, and letting go of their own things and some of the people in their lives. When I say I get it, it’s because I’ve done it. It’s because I’ve lived it. It’s because I still live it right up until this very moment.

Insecurity is real. Fear is real. Pain is real. Safety or lack of it is also real. But the stories that cause you to stay in those things are lies. They keep trying to show you the truth, but like me, you’re so caught up in the story you don’t see it. That’s why I write things like this because it gives me clarity. I got told twice in 5 minutes with my cards to go write because they know this is where the clarity is found.

It pops me out of the story right away so I can see myself in the experience a little more easily. Awareness is simpler here in my blogging world. It’s easier to come by and focus on because I won’t share the drama here. I won’t share the lie. I go looking for truth so you can find it for yourself. I’m committed to the journey of finding the truth in the cycles and the stories that we tell ourselves. It’s not just my own truth I go looking for, it’s yours too when I work with you and focus on your stories, your pain, and your fears.

So, what about this safety thing? What I tell you is what I will do for myself. The trick to healing the inner child, inner younger self wounds is to give yourself the thing you never had or found. Give yourself back whatever you were missing whenever you were missing it. That means I have to give myself safety. I have to give myself the feeling of being okay in my own skin and being safe in my life while knowing that regardless of what happens, I am protected and I am safe.

The lack cycle that’s been playing out seemingly endlessly had a lot to do with not feeling safe, doesn’t it? It triggered all the insecurity and did it again for me yesterday. Oh, look! Clarity! Who would have guessed?! The lack was insecurity and not feeling safe in my life manifesting into my reality. Well, look at that! It’s amazing what a little blog can do!

Aside from letting some emotion out, there isn’t a whole lot of healing here. I don’t have to go back except to give my inner 5-year-old a hug and tell her she’s safe. That’s it. There really isn’t a ton to do because I’m okay with all the experiences that happened all along the way. I’ve already accepted all the old memories. This is just unpacking another souvenir I picked up. I don’t have to do anything more with that except understand it, acknowledge it, and let it be. It served its purpose and I thank it for the lessons that it gave me.

Insecurity taught me a lot. It taught me how to protect myself. It taught me that I had a lot more power than I gave myself credit for. It taught me a lot of things about myself that weren’t true. As I reveal those things to myself and find the truth, I simply accept them, forgive them, and allow them to be as they are. There is nothing to argue with. The experience just is or was and things are as they should be. The thing I have control over is me and I have the power to simply move from where I am to where I need to be.

I don’t need to beat myself up for not catching it earlier or not knowing better or not understanding or anything like that. We move from where we are at any given moment and when we know better, only then can we begin to do better. Staying out of the story and making peace with myself and what is are two of the most important gifts I give myself when I move through this process. I don’t get out the hammer. It serves no purpose.

Now I’ll be on to breaking the pattern and habit of insecurity that shows up in my life. That’ll take more time. The inner healing work is done. The pattern-breaking takes a little longer but it will happen too. I know how to do all this now. I’ve done it many times before for different things. Every time I do it, I share it with you. You see, oddly enough, I’m sharing from a place of security a feeling of insecurity. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

It’s possible to do this for yourself. It’s possible to stay out of the story. It’s possible to not beat yourself up with a hammer. It’s possible to heal and not let a few tears get in your way. It’s possible to be okay while you heal and change your life. I know because I do it every single day and you can too.

Love to all.


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