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Self-Awareness

There’s always a reason why I’m not overly motivated to write a bunch and it’s because something will come up that I need to take on for myself. Guess what? Here it is!

When I separated from my marriage years ago I did so rather blindly. I didn’t pay attention to a lot of the potential pitfalls and struggles that would come from doing that. I didn’t have the clarity yet so I didn’t know what the path would look like. I did it for myself because I was looking for something. I felt empty. I felt incomplete. I felt like I was missing something in my life. There had to be a better way and I was going to find it.

By separating and ignoring consequences and not even telling the truth about it at the time, it set me off on a path I wasn’t aware of. It set me off on a path of creating a new life for myself, where I found this thing called spirituality and a life purpose that I didn’t expect to find.

My wonderful cards (don’t you love hearing about them all the time?!) pointed out that I did all that while ignoring a whole lot of potential problems but that now when I get guidance or inspiration to do something in my work, I get up in my stuff about it because I don’t see the whole picture.

Clarity is a fascinating thing in the human realm. For many years of my life, I flew mostly without it. I accepted not knowing and just did whatever the heck I wanted anyway. Now that I have access to this thing called clarity, and this is particularly true in my work, I want to know all the answers before I do it. I haven’t fully accepted this concept of being both teacher and student simultaneously.

I’ve created a lot of content over the last couple of years. Some of it didn’t go anywhere at all. Some of it never got finished, heck some of the ideas never even got started. Some of them sold a time or two, but most were relatively untouched by anybody but me. The piece that I wasn’t paying attention to was the part where I write the content and become the student of my own work.

It is not uncommon for me to have those “aha” moments while making content. It is not uncommon for me to channel things through my work that teach me something as well. It is not uncommon for me to learn from my own work. Why do you think they tell me to just write and see what shows up?

What if the content isn’t meant to go anywhere? Maybe it was just for practice (although I don’t think I need practice lol), maybe it was so that I could learn something by doing the work, maybe it was so I could learn to trust myself to create the content in the first place or trust my intuition to help me get the project done. Maybe there were other reasons for all of those perceived failed projects that I wasn’t aware of. Maybe there’s more to my work than just selling shit? HAHAHAHA

Maybe I’m afraid of wasting my time. I’ve often thought there was no point in creating if nobody was getting anything out of it but me. Am I worthy of my own work? Of course, I am. It’s only the ego that needs external validation and “proof” right? To be a student of my own work requires me to keep my ego out of the way to some degree. My ability to admit to still working it out or just learning it for myself is dependent on me keeping the ego in check. But what about when I’m creating behind the scenes and it’s not a blog that goes out 2 minutes after I write it? Does my ego stay out of the way then? Apparently not, especially if I’m focused on who is or is not going to use what I create for themselves.

So, what if I just create for the sake of creating because the inspiration showed up? What if it’s not about anything else? What if that’s the whole point?

This is the process, by the way, the one I teach, the one I use myself. Do you see how I keep my brain under control? I’m not all triggered by all this. I’m not emotionally charged. I’m not beating myself up. There is no victimization or poor me. It just is. I allow myself to question my own thinking. Is that human perspective true? The short answer is no, it’s not. It almost never is.

I allow the “what if” to unfold as well. What if it’s about inspiration for inspirations’ sake and not about selling it, sharing it, doing it for other people, or any of the other excuses I like to make up? What if that’s okay?

Do you see? I got my brain sorted out so now I can just accept that new bit of me that showed up that wanted validation, that needed proof, that needed an audience. There is no big healing, no tears, no digging for days on end, just simple acceptance of what is. Simple acceptance of that little bit of me that needed to get more from what it was doing than pure self-help.

As the analogy I like to use goes, that bit is a trinket in a box. Is there a bigger issue back there? Sure. We can talk all about confidence, egos, the story the mind makes up, the childhood trauma, all of it. But I’m not digging through all that right now, I’m just dealing with this one little thing that I was shown by some cardboard. That’s it.

The box is still there. It’s never-ending though, so it’ll always be there. Next time I’ll dig another trinket out of it and repeat the process. Yes, I’ll probably share it with you once again. That’s the joy of my work and of what I get to do every day.

What happened to the trinket that showed up? Essentially I absorbed it. It’s not a real trinket that sits on a shelf, it’s energetic. It’s just a part of me and each of those parts creates the puzzle we call self-awareness. It allows me to understand myself, my habits, my wounds, and then do something with it beyond just being wounded by it or allowing it to stop me in some way.

Every time I do this I get out of my own way just a little more. Every time I do this I practice the process that I offer you all the time. Every time I do this I give myself permission to heal and grow. Every time I do this it makes it easier to do it again. I don’t get stuck. I don’t get stopped. I just keep going. If I had done this without typing it, it would be done already. That’s how easy it is. That’s how quick it can be if you get okay with those bits of you that you may not like.

Yeah, that part of me stopped me. It prevented me from moving forward. It kept me in my ego. It didn’t allow me to see the benefit of the work that I do for myself. But I’m not mad at it because it showed me more of me. It allowed me to learn what I needed to learn the way I needed to learn it. I’m grateful for it, not pissed off by it.

What bits are you being shown? Can you find the ability to be grateful for them instead of mad at whatever put them there in the first place?

Love to all.

Laura

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