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Shrinking to Fit

The last few things I’ve been accepting, the last couple of leaps that I’ve made, have been a big deal. They are indicative of the end of a cycle. This is about finally releasing the powerlessness and not struggling with my power in the future as I move forward.

I am being asked to get ready for what’s coming, not just the conflict that comes from change when people don’t like what you’re doing, but also the conflict that comes from success when you finally get what you’ve been working for and now you have to handle it and stand in it.

My podcast today talked about what I saw as a glass ceiling on my ability to create larger bodies of work, like the book and course combination that I’ve been talking about. But it’s got more to do with needing to shrink to fit. The glass ceiling is my own doing. It was to protect myself because using my power caused trouble for me when I was a kid. I couldn’t hang on to it. I had to let it go. Really, all I did was put it away. Now, as I dig it out, it’s my job to understand all the bits that I hid.

Powerlessness is just a convenient way to sum up a whole lot of different little habits and behaviors that I created to protect myself. Powerlessness looked like a karmic cycle of lack. Powerlessness looked like walking away from people and things that meant everything to me. Powerlessness looked like keeping myself small, staying in the corner of the room, and making sure I wasn’t noticed. Powerlessness looked like keeping everybody else happy while making myself miserable. Powerlessness looked like walking away from my own goals and not allowing myself to create the powerful work that I can create.

Powerlessness had a lot of different faces. It all stemmed from the same pain. It all came from the same place. As I unlock all of those pieces and free that wound to be completely released, it brings in a new cycle, one that doesn’t include that powerlessness. It brings in a new life that allows me access to myself and my power.

I’ve talked in other blogs about how I accept those little bits of myself. I visit this intuitive room or place within myself and I’m shown another room that is still dark. I’m asked to go find the piece of myself that’s hiding in that room and accept her. When I did that today and the lights came on, there was another chair or throne in that room. The first one I found was my sense of personal power. That’s what has allowed me to get as far as I have. the second chair I found today was my creative power. That’s something I hadn’t fully accessed yet, until now.

Much like when I found my own personal power, I have to sit in this new creative power and work with it for a bit. This is a different type of power. It’s the power that will let me write the things that I want to write. It’s the power that will allow me to create in a way I haven’t done before.

Personal power gets a person a long way. I’ve been doing this so far with only one engine working. So, what happens now that I have access to the other engine? What happens when I’m firing on both cylinders? It offers up the question of whether there’s another engine I’m not aware of yet. That part remains to be seen.

These are questions I have yet to answer. Intuitively, I may not answer them. It will be simply a matter of doing and watching what happens. Awareness gives me the ability to do that. I can step outside of my experience and check on myself. Where am I within the experience? Is this a good place to hang out? Where am I going next? It’s that awareness that allows me to navigate this intuitive process much more easily.

It’s not a perfect system, healing isn’t meant to be perfect. It’s supposed to be messy and complicated. You’re supposed to go around in circles. As I’ve been doing and will continue to do, I want to offer you a clearer path through the muck. That’s been the goal for a long time, to find a way to synthesize this into something that gives you a very clear view of how to do this without all the pain we get told we’re supposed to feel.

I don’t believe this needs to be painful. I believe the pain is felt with the experience and in a short period afterward through which grief, blame, shame, or guilt are processed. But I don’t believe that 20 years later we should still be dealing with that same pain. There is a way to do this that doesn’t have to be scary, hard, or painful. I want to offer you that.

Can I bring up pain through memories? Of course. Is that helpful though? My answer to that is no, it’s not. The memories will be there and the pain will live with them. My only job is to make peace with them and accept them. That’s it. I can’t get rid of them. I can’t change what happened in the past. So, I have to stop tripping over them. I have to be okay with them. Then, once I’m okay with them, I can work on the bits I picked up because of those memories. For me, those bits are all the pieces of powerlessness that I’ve already mentioned. But those things aren’t painful. They don’t hurt. I don’t regret them. They are simply part of me and I am okay with that.

Every decision I made because of those things led me to where I am now. How can I regret that? Look where I got to! Look what I get to do! That’s pretty stinkin’ cool if I do say so myself! There’s no regret in that, only gratitude for what it showed me about myself. The “woulda, coulda, shoulda” game of regret that we like to play only serves in beating ourselves up for things we think we should have known before we knew them. You didn’t know them. I didn’t know them until I learned them. Maybe now, at today years old, it’s okay that I’m still learning them. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe I’m not meant to know everything. Maybe it’s alright that I had to learn the hard way. Maybe that gets to be okay too.

Simple acceptance of what was, what is, and what will be, is all this is. It’s not a magic trick. It’s not a mind game. It’s a simple acceptance of me, my life, and the choices that I made because of the wounds that I carried with me. I’m not arguing with it. I don’t need to trip over it. I don’t need to feel the pain of the memories. I can accept that they are there and live with them peacefully. Together they make up the experiences that I call my life story. They aren’t bad. They just are. They gave me what I needed to do what I’m doing right now. Truthfully, that’s all that matters.

I’m going to go figure out what this creative power is all about. While I do that, I’ll also be figuring out how to give you what I understand about healing and releasing.

Love to all.

Laura

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