• I Get to Stop Struggling!

    I feel like I could talk for days right now! I have a lot to say about what’s been going on today. I did some work on myself this morning and all the learning has prompted a lot of writing and sharing! I’m so glad tomorrow is podcast day! I can fit a lot into 30 minutes of blabbing! Maybe it’ll even go over time! Oh no! Anyway, the title of tomorrow’s podcast is going to be “Life is Not an Unsupervised Toddler” because that’s what I’ve had the pleasure of learning and understanding today. It also led to a deeper understanding of myself and my responses to my experiences in the past. You see, I only had two options because I’d put my power away. The first was to do nothing and the second was to be a stubborn bullheaded crazy person. Stubbornness, for a long time, was the only power I had. So I was on or I was off. I had one switch. When stubbornness wasn’t appropriate I would walk away from whatever was happening because I didn’t believe I could handle it any other way. You can imagine the chaos and pain that led to. When I was confronted by my own stuff the stubbornness would become defensiveness and a need to be right. If I decided not to be stubborn, I would victimize myself and simply give in, which often didn’t work either because I was responding in a really victimized way. There was no balance, there were only extremes. I kept the focus off of myself as much as I could because I was always okay with other people’s stuff. It was only my own that was triggering for me. I used blame as a way of keeping the focus off of myself. I didn’t know how to heal, I didn’t know what to heal, and I didn’t feel like I had permission to heal, so I just kept bouncing from problem to problem. The only choice I ever made was to be stubborn or not. When your choices are to be stubborn or do nothing, the options are quite limited. It caused me to walk away from some things I didn’t want to walk away from. I felt so trapped and so scared to be in my own skin, that I just shrunk back into the walls. I’d run away as quickly as I could. Those things caused a lot of pain, a lot of heartaches, but they also resulted in a lot of healing. I had to figure out how to stand on my own. I had to figure out where the other options were. There had to be a better way than what I was doing. I just didn’t know what that was. Taking my power back has meant realizing that I can let my guard down. I don’t have to sit around and wait for the next thing to happen. I can be okay in my own skin. Even if…