You have what you need within you. The determination is there. The willpower is there. The courage is there. You just have to decide to dig it up from underneath all that pain you're sitting in right now. You just have to decide that you're done with pain and that it's time to change.
In this episode, I talk about how I had stopped myself once again because I was afraid of what other people would think. The last few weeks have been pretty quiet as I backed off, stopped writing, and really only kept up the podcast. I didn't really know what was up until it hit me in the middle of the night last night. But now that I get it, I can come and talk about it and move on from it. Join me today as I talk myself through this powerlessness thing and what happens next!
Opening up and beginning to talk about my life in blogs and podcasts was part of that journey. Some things I was hiding, but most things I just didn't see value in talking about, so I didn't say anything. I didn't bring up my own experiences even when they related to what others were talking about. I hid other things because of shame. I avoided a whole bunch more because it felt overwhelming to me. I didn't have the skills or confidence to process it.
The intuitive awareness of the shift, the door that I presented myself with when I offered coaching the other day, people taking me up on the offer, new folks coming in, all of those things showed me that life had changed. It's one of the first signs outside of myself, outside of my own internal reality, that something is different, something is moving and quickly.
For as long as you choose to argue with the experience and wish it away, the emotions will continue to be there. You can't heal the emotion because you're still arguing with the experience. Accepting the experience allows you to deal with the emotions that are triggered by it. Most people try to do this backward and that's why it doesn't work. That's why you can't heal. You want the emotion to go away first, but it won't because it's triggered by the argument you're having with yourself.
Life always gave me lots of reasons to be unhappy, whether it was the stress of money, being bullied as a kid, or whatever was going on, I had many reasons to be upset. It was less of a drop to go from sort of a neutral state to unhappy than it was to go from being happy to miserable. It didn't hurt as much if I wasn't as happy as I could or should have been. It wasn't as much of a shock. Is it possible I'm still protecting myself that way? It's quite likely, actually.
I feel like I could talk for days right now! I have a lot to say about what’s been going on today. I did some work on myself this morning and all the learning has prompted a lot of writing and sharing! I’m so glad tomorrow is podcast day! I can fit a lot into 30 minutes of blabbing! Maybe it’ll even go over time! Oh no! Anyway, the title of tomorrow’s podcast is going to be “Life is Not an Unsupervised Toddler” because that’s what I’ve had the pleasure of learning and understanding today. It also led to a deeper understanding of myself and my responses to my experiences in the past. You see, I only had two options because I’d put my power away. The first was to do nothing and the second was to be a stubborn bullheaded crazy person. Stubbornness, for a long time, was the only power I had. So I was on or I was off. I had one switch. When stubbornness wasn’t appropriate I would walk away from whatever was happening because I didn’t believe I could handle it any other way. You can imagine the chaos and pain that led to. When I was confronted by my own stuff the stubbornness would become defensiveness and a need to be right. If I decided not to be stubborn, I would victimize myself and simply give in, which often didn’t work either because I was responding in a really victimized way. There was no balance, there were only extremes. I kept the focus off of myself as much as I could because I was always okay with other people’s stuff. It was only my own that was triggering for me. I used blame as a way of keeping the focus off of myself. I didn’t know how to heal, I didn’t know what to heal, and I didn’t feel like I had permission to heal, so I just kept bouncing from problem to problem. The only choice I ever made was to be stubborn or not. When your choices are to be stubborn or do nothing, the options are quite limited. It caused me to walk away from some things I didn’t want to walk away from. I felt so trapped and so scared to be in my own skin, that I just shrunk back into the walls. I’d run away as quickly as I could. Those things caused a lot of pain, a lot of heartaches, but they also resulted in a lot of healing. I had to figure out how to stand on my own. I had to figure out where the other options were. There had to be a better way than what I was doing. I just didn’t know what that was. Taking my power back has meant realizing that I can let my guard down. I don’t have to sit around and wait for the next thing to happen. I can be okay in my own skin. Even if…
The problem-solving becomes fear if the mind can't solve the problem and it doesn't get an answer. So by telling it there is nothing happening and it's fine to just hang out, it's satisfied with that. It'll play along for a bit. I've quelled the mind and it's given me some time to work with things.
The story of fear caused me to do things unnecessarily. Buying into the fear had me playing a game I didn't need to play and creating a problem to solve that wasn't even there
I needed to get okay within myself. I needed to find my power and understand how to use it a little bit. I needed to know that I didn't have to let the outside world destroy my inner peace or my focus. The outside world doesn't get to decide how I feel. I decide how I feel. I've broken habits of just automatically reacting to familiar scenarios. I give myself the option to actually think about what makes sense before allowing myself to respond to the things that go on around me.