Taking What You Can Get
There’s a lie in settling for something that you don’t really want because you think it’s what you can get in the moment. Settling is telling yourself nothing better is coming, you don’t deserve what you want and there’s no point in waiting to get it.
Imagine if you did that with your spouse. What if I told you I did that 12-years ago?
In a post in my Facebook group recently, I talked about how I’d made some choices just over 12-years ago based on where I was at the time. Those choices weren’t wrong, they were just things that I thought needed to happen. One of those choices was marrying my husband.
I was 33-years old. My mother, well-intentioned though she may have been, was telling me that I was getting too old, I needed to get married soon or no guy would want me. Who would want an old and wrinkly woman anyway? It was getting “late” to get married. I needed to find a spouse and quick in her mind. Truth be told, I’d been getting messages about getting married and having children my entire life. These were just things on the checklist for me, boxes I had to tick off.
Behind the scenes was a man she didn’t really know about. I’m not so sure how he would have gone over. A few tattoos, a leather jacket and a motorbike probably would have terrified her. He isn’t the slightest bit scary I might add! But he just wasn’t quite ready for commitment just yet. We had a little bit of a warped relationship at that point. There was a lot of fear, unworthiness and outside opinion in the middle of our relationship. Love had never been the problem. It had nothing to do with how we felt about each other. It had everything to do with what we were telling ourselves in our heads, what other people were telling us and how that was showing up in our relationship. My messages were very clear, get married quick. This is what you’re supposed to do. Why aren’t you married yet? You are the pretty one, you’re supposed to be married already. You were the girl all the guys liked. How come you’re still single? You’re too old to be doing this. You’re such a loser.
That decision upheld not only the lies I’d been told, but the lies I’d been telling myself about what my life should look like, who I was and what I was supposed to want. I suppose I thought what I wanted was wrong because it didn’t fit into the little checkboxes I’d been given. Somehow who I had fallen in love with didn’t matter, if he didn’t fit that checkbox, toss him to the curb and find somebody that did.
It would take marrying somebody else and even losing the other almost entirely, save for holiday and birthday greetings, to get me to question what I’d been told. It was the pain of losing him that “woke me up”, started me down this spiritual path I claim to be on and got me questioning my beliefs and what I’d been told. It was in that moment after we had split that I sat down, looked around and said to myself, “How the hell did I get here and what the f***k do I need to do to fix it?”
It was there I had to own my truth. It wasn’t just in relation to him. It was my entire life. The path had been so narrow for me that it ignored huge chunks of who I was. My path didn’t even make sense to me, yet here I was trying to follow it, sabotaging it at every turn too. It affected my relationship with him, my career and my sense of self as a human being. My entire life was a lie and I had to lose him to see it. Suddenly I had lost something important enough to me to make doing the work worth it. You see, you can have what you want. The question is, how bad do you want it and how much pain do you need to go through before you’ll let yourself have it?
I had settled and married based on that lie. The marriage was a complete sham and it’s a train-wreck still smouldering now.
I had kids based on that lie. I love my children. My oldest was a surprise from a few years before I was married. My youngest is the product of my marriage. I don’t regret my children, I just wonder how much of my desire to have children was my own sometimes.
I became a school-teacher based on that lie. I was born to teach. I had wanted to teach since I was 5-years old. The lie was the part that said I was supposed to be a school-teacher. I spent a few years trying to convince myself to stay in the classroom. I even went back and taught grade 5 for a year about 4-years ago. In total, I taught in the traditional classroom for 5-years. Then I started teaching adults in different settings, both in business for myself and working a traditional job. Through the course of my career, I’ve taught people of every age from 6 to 92.
I didn’t travel like I wanted to based on that lie. It was better to settle down.
I went to church every Sunday and taught Sunday school too, based on that lie. I grew up Roman Catholic. I don’t recommend that. I’m recovering, even now.
I acted a certain way based on that lie. I’ve dimmed my light and kept quiet to keep others happy for most of my life.
I tied my self-worth to that lie. If I didn’t tick off all the boxes on the checklist I was a failure as an adult.
I tied my sense of identity to that lie. This was who I was supposed to be. Everything else was wrong.
I became something I wasn’t because somebody told me I was supposed to. When I lost the person I wanted most in the world, it forced me to start to change. That change has been 6-years in the making.
The vision I’ve held of that other relationship working itself out is the part of what’s manifesting now and pushing me to allow my truth to come out fully. For me, this is about breaking free of the lies, all of them, to become who I am fully and step into my power. That’s what all this is about. It’s time for my truth, all the things that have been hiding in the background, all the pain nobody sees and I don’t show, all the bits that upset people and all the bits that I’ve been too afraid to show, until now.
This one might hurt a bit, but you know what? It won’t stop me. It won’t stop me because it’s not a permanent state. Sure, I’ve been through some things, had some experiences, but I’m not permanently wounded. I’ve healed from those and I’ll heal from this too. The pain has been one of my greatest teachers.
I don’t know where the lies are in your life. I don’t know what you’re not telling yourself. But I do know, that if the pain is what’s stopping you, it shouldn’t. You can heal. You know how to heal because you’ve done it. Allow yourself to find your truth. As messy as it may be, the journey is worth it.
Sending love to all.
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