Who Am I?

As a child, I was extremely shy and quiet. I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t argue with anyone. I went along with everything and everyone around me. I was born like that. It wasn’t anything that was taught to me. I had all of those Cancer sign traits that people talk about. If I were to read a description of what a person born under the sign of Cancer is like, that description would perfectly fit me as a child. That’s who I was.

Life taught me that those traits weren’t okay. Life taught me that not standing up for myself, being too shy and too quiet, meant I got rolled over by other people. It meant I was bullied in school and taken advantage of. It meant that even my parents had an easy time keeping control of me early on because I was so easygoing and quiet. It also meant I was very hurt emotionally as a child. As a teenager, I began to understand that I couldn’t stay the way I was. I had to be able to defend myself and have my own voice.

The personality I run with now is learned through experience. The person I was as a child would not be here now doing this. I would have been far too shy to do this. I learned how to have a voice. I learned how to show up and speak in front of a room full of people. I had to learn how to be a version of myself that could function in the world without getting run over and hurt constantly. I had to let go of a lot of the sensitivity I used to have.

Is your personality authentic to who you were as a child or did you learn or even unlearn certain aspects of your personality in order to survive? I unlearned the victimization my mother taught me. I learned power instead because that’s what allowed me to actually live my life not just watch it happen from the sidelines. When I unlearned being sensitive I replaced that with a wall of steel. I became almost inhuman because I had blocked out so much of my emotional state. I didn’t allow myself to feel because that was too hard. It was easier to not feel.

I got so good at not feeling that people would actually ask me if I was human and had feelings. I would be the only one in the room not crying. I would be the only one around me not upset by what was happening. I could hold it together and make things look good regardless of what was going on. I empathize heavily with Meghan Markle (regardless of what you think about her) in having to put a smile on her face after admitting to suicidal thoughts just hours earlier. I’ve done that myself. I told myself that making it look like nothing was wrong was how I needed to be. Doing anything less wasn’t safe. I used to say that “computers don’t have feelings”. If I just worked with computers I didn’t have to deal with people and emotions.

My old computer business allowed me to hide. It taught me a lot about business but it also taught me about me. One of the things that kept coming up in that business was that it needed to reflect me. I didn’t want that. I wanted to hide behind my business. I tried to make my business reflect the women I was trying to attract, turning everything pink because I thought that’s what I needed to do. I’m not pink and I don’t do pink. Let’s just be really clear on this! But the point is, I tried to make my business the opposite of who I was so I could hide behind it. Because it wasn’t authentic, it didn’t work, of course.

Now I do the exact opposite. When I asked my cards yesterday what I should teach in my business I got the Hierophant. That card is all about life and beliefs. What I’m having to do now is use my life experience as a platform and an example of what I’m trying to share. So now, not only am I not hiding but I’m also having to be wide open. Not that my life was ever a secret. I’m happy to talk about all of these experiences that I’ve had, but I never felt it was useful to anybody other than me. I’ve had to learn that that’s not true.

I’ve gone from being shut down completely because I’d learned that being sensitive and open was painful, to once again being wide open, but understanding that I can still have boundaries and not take crap from other people. I had to understand that I could balance both, that I could be open and that it didn’t have to hurt.

We choose how to be based on our life experiences and what the people around us tell us to be. Sometimes we have to swing in extremes in order to learn the balance that we’re struggling to find. Sometimes we never do learn the balance. Sometimes we stay stuck in those old defence mechanisms because healing that stuff is hard. It’s not a perfect system either. It’s easy to catch myself in old ways of being. I have to be very conscious of my boundaries or lack thereof. But I’ve learned that I can handle what comes. I think that’s the bigger lesson. Even though I may still struggle with boundaries and sensitivity, even if I do get hurt along the way, I know I’ll be fine. I know that it’s not tragic and it’s something I can manage and heal. I don’t have to be scared of pain and I don’t live life trying to avoid it all the time.

It can be valuable to consider what you were like as a child compared to who you are now. Who did life teach you to be? Are you okay with who you are, wounds and all? Life is an amazing teacher if you’re open to the lessons.

Love to all.

Laura

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