Why Do I Splash My Stuff on The Internet?
I didn’t start out with any intention of splashing my life or my problems on the Internet as a way of earning an income. The truth is I’m very quiet and private. I keep to myself. I don’t share. I don’t even like asking for help. Ask my friends that I don’t text back and don’t share with! They’ll tell you all about it!
Then life happens, stuff comes up, and the first thing I’m pulled to do is write about it in a blog. My poor friends must feel so left out. I write about my life for the world to see but say nothing to them! What gives?
There is one major reason why I function like this now and it’s got everything to do with my connection to my own power. It’s all about me pretty much doing a brain dump, getting all the weirdness out on the screen so that I can see it and understand what needs to be dealt with. Honestly, doing this is what puts me back in my power. My friends are wonderful, but I sort stuff out through writing. It’s just a different way of being.
Could I do it in a journal? Maybe, but then it would be more of a triggered, how dare life happen, kind of a thing. I filter that here where I don’t have to in a journal I don’t share with anybody. The difference is that to write this I have to keep my awareness in place. To do a journal, I just need my ego and a pen.
I’ve found myself in a little bit of a repetitive loop. It’s a decision I’m having to continually make to change things but it’s not sticking. Because it’s not sticking, it’s showing up as a loop. It’s making me go over the same ground continually. That’s not helpful. This is where the wheels spin and we don’t get anywhere.
I have a choice. I can make the choice now and make it stick and life will continue just fine with no pain, or not. I’m either going to do this now or I’m going to do it the hard way. I’ve talked before about the idea of needing to be in pain to create change. How much pain do you need to be in before you do something about it? More importantly, is it possible to avoid the pain in the first place? The answer is yes, I can avoid the pain because I have awareness of where I am and where I will end up based on what I do in the present moment. That gives me the power of a second choice to avoid pain by simply doing some healing.
Behind all that, there’s a human that thinks that everything is fine, there’s nothing to worry about, just keep going the way you are. It’ll be great! Nope. No, it won’t little human. There is work to be done. Let’s get on it! That, by the way, is how I end up here writing this at 7:30 am on a Thursday during a week I’m supposed to be taking it a little easier with my work.
The problem that I’m running into with this choice to end the loop is that it’s attached to a bunch of stuff. It’s attached to some level of insecurity or a belief that if I don’t control it, it won’t get done right or I won’t get what I want. It’s also a completely different way of doing things. It is not the way any of us were taught to handle anything. Essentially, I’m just supposed to leave it alone and trust. You know, the whole sit on your hands thing? My need to do and fix is strong! But if I do and fix I perpetuate the loop. You see where this goes.
I’m being asked to commit to a way of being that doesn’t require me to do much outside of myself, or at least if I do things, they are only from flow with no sense of needing to do anything for any reason other than wanting to. My life is still showing me problems and so trying to commit to not doing anything while standing in the middle of all kinds of potential problems is an interesting challenge, but here we are.
There is one other piece, the identification with problems, and this idea that I have a reason to have problems. I play student when I write this stuff, but I also play teacher when I learn something new. You kind of get the best of both worlds. One of the things that has been pointed out, is that I don’t need to struggle in my life to remain a student. I don’t need to hold on to the problems to have content. Life will continue to happen and there will still be things to share. I don’t need to keep the problems around to use as a hobby. I’m allowed to move on and life is allowed to be easy. If I needed an excuse to hold on to problems, I seem to have found one!
I’ve been here for a couple of months and I’ve been avoiding it. There is something about doing this that is triggering all the things I talked about just now, but it’s more than that. The idea for this blog came up late last night. There was actually a lot of emotion behind it. This pulls the proverbial trigger on a completely new way of being. The old cycle has been done for a while. I’ve been playing in this new space for a bit by writing blogs like this, putting out new books, and doing things my own way more or less, but I haven’t fully allowed in the new cycle yet. The problems are piling up to get me to take the next step. Sometimes I talk about the Universe putting people into vice grips to get them to move. How much pain do you need to be in before you do something differently? That’s the question I get to ask myself. I’m aware of the vice grips. I don’t need to get to the pain part to understand what’s happening and why I need to do this.
It’s fitting that it’s the end of 2021, isn’t it? Just in time for the new year. New year, new me, and a new way of being. Yep! That sounds about right! 2022 is going to be a blast, by the way, lots more adventure to come! Stay tuned for all the excitement!
I have to leap and the avoidance is real. Can you tell from my last paragraph? It’s time to say goodbye to this old cycle. I’ve hung onto it long enough. 2022 will be completely new territory for me. A big chunk of it is just going to be watching things happen around me. It’s not that I won’t be busy writing and doing my thing, but there are a lot of things that will be happening that will be out of my control. I asked for this crazy mess, so I might as well get out of my own way and allow it.
I think I said in a previous blog, that sometimes you make choices or you ask for things, and the path is a little bit blind. You don’t really know what you’ll run into along the way. You just know where you want to end up. I started this journey 7 years ago with a goal in mind, but no idea of the path that was going to be in front of me. I never imagined for a split second that I would end up here writing this as the final moments of 2021 ticked away. If I’d known the path, I’m not sure whether I would have taken it. Sometimes that limited human perception has its’ benefits, maybe this is one of those times. Flying blind sometimes forces you to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Connect to your power, Laura, and take the leap.
Aye, aye, captain.
I’ll let you know how that goes!
Love to all.